042 - Mini Musing: Making Self-liberating Choices
Welcome back to Threshold Moments, dear listener. In this mini musing, I share a piece on choice from my free course 21 Days of Untapped Support.
As you might be feeling, the holiday season can bring an overwhelming amount of choices to make. The complexity of upholding traditions can overshadow the importance of honoring our true desires, leading to decision fatigue and frustration.
Join me as I share my personal experiences with making decisions about holiday traditions. Together let’s explore how choices, even small ones, can lead to self-liberation and alignment with one's authentic self.
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Episode Transcript
Sarah Tacey [00:00:05]
Hello, welcome. I'm Sarah Tacey, and this is Threshold Moments, a podcast where guests and I share stories about the process of updating into truer versions of ourselves. The path is unknown, and the pull feels real. Together, we share our grief, laughter, love, and life-saving tools. Join us.
Sarah Tacey [00:00:39]
Welcome to Threshold Moments. Today, our mini-musing is on the idea of choice. This felt like a really beautiful offering to do before or perhaps even in the middle of the holiday season. For me and my family, we celebrate Christmas and then my husband's birthday is right after that, then we have New Year's and before all of that is in our family where we gather for Thanksgiving.
Sarah Tacey [00:01:14]
And in between that time, there are often a lot of parties, a lot of end of year gatherings, solstice gatherings, making cookies, baking. There are so many opportunities and traditions. It can sometimes be complex and layered because we might have ideas of what people expect of us and wanting to show up for people and wanting people to know that we care. And sometimes there's so much momentum during this time that it becomes a little more challenging to pause and see what it is we actually want to do, what is in alignment if we were to invite our bodies into the conversation. At the end of every podcast and sometimes in the middle, you hear a little promo for 21 Days of Untapped Support, which is the free 21 day program that you can do. There will be a link in the bio in which each day a new resource is offered that one might practice and tune into just one thing that most likely won't take any extra time, but actually could make your body, your nervous system, your whole self feel a little more resourced. So that if stress, as Jerry Molitor has said, is when we have more demands and resources, then we might begin to try to tune in more and more and more to our resources, things that are already around us, things that are already within us. So on day 14 of this program, I have choice. And I say choice, even if it's a small choice, is a step towards self-liberation. I really love that. Choice, even if it's a small choice, is a step towards self-liberation.
Sarah Tacey [00:03:41]
When I first read Peter Levine's book on trauma, it was the first time that I really heard it described as a place of helplessness, when the physiology gets stuck in you. So it's not just the hard, event itself. It's when the heart event happens and we didn't feel like we had the resources to find a way out. So it's not the event itself.
Sarah Tacey [00:04:10]
It's how we process the event, how we internalize it, how we experience it. And so what became clear to me that the sense of helplessness and hopelessness is what gets a pattern stuck within us. So if trauma physiology happens when we feel stuck and without choice and possibly isolated, then each time that we begin to choose something that feels true to us and honest to us, we begin to liberate ourselves. We begin to get to know ourselves. We begin to recognize that we even, we exist.
Sarah Tacey [00:04:54]
We exist as an individual and we have a preference, and that preference could change moment to moment. I have this, love-hate is not an accurate phrase. I just perhaps have this quandary around traditions where I think it could take some choice out of the equation and we start to do things just because we've always done them. So in other podcasts earlier, I think it was in September, I had one on pausing, which is so important. It's such a good one.
Sarah Tacey [00:05:33]
Maybe go back if you haven't heard it, just pausing to tune in. And then so the PF chain, pause, feel, choose, pause, notice you have a desire, notice that there's a certain reaction that wants to come through. Notice you exist, feel into what's true for you. And then you make a choice. There's a possibility that you may be a person with decision fatigue.
Sarah Tacey [00:06:07]
Like if you're in charge of many moving parts beyond yourself. I'm thinking of parents, so I can think about myself and all the decisions I make on a daily basis for my girls and then for my family. And I'm imagining somebody who runs a business and maybe there are a bunch of patients or clients and then staff members and varying employees who have various roles and decisions you're making for the company and considering that each person in your company is a human with needs, that we can begin to have decision fatigue. I, in this case, think about Steve Jobs, where I think most of us have probably heard how he would only wear black, because when he only wears black, then he is not spending any of his energy each day deciding what he's gonna wear. For some of us, this is super appealing, and for others it's like, oh no, this is where I get my creativity, this is where I express myself, this is where I feel. beauty or coziness, I wouldn't want to take that choice away. For me, if there's decision fatigue or just knowing that there are many areas that I do want to choose in, then another thing is for me, if I'm going to a really, really nice restaurant, I love a restaurant that's just like, here's, we just, we just bring out what we're making for the night. or there's a prefix, you know, where it's just, yeah, we'll do the chef's choice. And, you know, maybe some people go out with friends or partners who know a certain restaurant well, and you trust their taste and you know that they know what you like. And this is an area where like, you choose, I'll follow.
Sarah Tacey [00:08:09]
So just wanting to take away any shame You know, if I put any out there being like, choice is your self-liberation, but also to know that sometimes the choice is that you're not going to choose. I'd love to give a few examples or maybe I'll do a few more ideas of like hypo and hyper. When I think of hyper choice, I can think of micromanaging. You have to choose everything and you need to decide everything. And that gives a sense of control and a known outcome. This can have its own stressor. And so going back to the pause feel, it might even be like, whoa, I feel this super attachment to needing to make all the decisions and starting to feel into like, is this blueprint or is this imprint? And we can sometimes begin to tell the answer to that just.
Sarah Tacey [00:09:09]
Again, by slowing down or being in company of another and trying on, letting go of a few choices here and there. Hypo just might be like someone says, you know, what do you want to eat? And it's a complete blank. I have no idea. Or I can even think like in like with sex, if somebody says, what do you want?
Sarah Tacey [00:09:31]
And it's just, I freaking, I don't know, might just be hypo choice within that realm. Two podcasts ago, you heard me talk about how in somatic experiencing and an alchemical alignment, they break it into different realms, like the physical realm, the energetic, the mental, the spiritual, that we could have hypo or hyper in any of these realms, and that it's not all of us that, like, we can't choose on any area. It could just be certain areas that may have an imprint in them. Everything's information. So it's not something
Sarah Tacey [00:10:09]
To put shame around, it's more, oh, isn't that interesting that I feel really sure on what I want to do in so many areas, but when it comes to this one realm, it's, I just feel like there's no information. It's a big freeze. Maybe you have a really hard time making plans for the future, for future events. And someone says, okay, we have to like, we have to put something in the calendar for our trip in July and just complete freeze, the thought of planning anything in advance.
Sarah Tacey [00:10:45]
So just even noticing where, which areas have freeze and just taking that as information and possibly tuning into other ways to support and resource yourself when conversations come up or when decisions need to be made in the areas that have a freeze. element to them. So as far as the holidays go, I know that not all my listeners celebrate the same holidays. And I know that in December, there are a variety of holidays for a variety of belief systems. And I think about how growing up, we had the tradition every year on New Year's Eve where my parents would invite friends over for New Year's, excuse me, Christmas Eve. And I think I loved it. But I also realized, so as the party grew, I think at its biggest point, we had 120 people at our house and it was an open house that people could come and go. And because I was the daughter of the people hosting, I found that I was like having to make conversation with each person along the way.
Sarah Tacey [00:12:00]
And it might be like, I don't see this person except for this one time a year. And so there were so many catch up conversations. And then the majority of my friends were like at the, in the sunroom, which was like two rooms over, like I had to get, and it would take me until like 10 o'clock at night to get back where I could just like sit down and put my feet up. And in my head, this was such a beloved tradition. And
Sarah Tacey [00:12:26]
They had their final Christmas Eve party, and I think it marked 30 years of that tradition. And so many families came and the kids now who are now my age, they went from being like little kids to being adults with their own families, traveled from various states to make a point to be there. And everybody shared their gratitude and how much they had loved it. And the next year, Steve and I were in Cape Elizabeth and we had our daughter, Sophia, who is four or five months old at that time.
Sarah Tacey [00:12:59]
And we had a little gathering with our new friends and my parents and was like, oh, we're going to do this every year. And then the next year, the year after, there was a stomach virus that went through the house and only a few people could come, the people who had had it before us. And then something else happened and then there was COVID and it was one of these things where I felt so much, in some way, like so much relief that we could make a decision year by year of what we wanted to do. Because at some point it did start growing.
Sarah Tacey [00:13:34]
There was a year where there were more people. And I just started to realize that, although I really love so many people, having so many people over all at once as the host is quite overwhelming for me. So my husband asked me just today, Do you want to have a big Christmas Eve party? And I said, no, I would love to have a really intimate gathering, like just big enough that we can all fit around one big long table.
Sarah Tacey [00:14:08]
And so it's really nice to tune in and say, like, what do I actually like? I just figured I liked the party with 120 people. Also, my dad is a professional kidder, so He had everything. He and my mother had everything down to a T with the decorating, the timing, where they're going to pick up what food, when, what they were making themselves.
Sarah Tacey [00:14:33]
And they did it with a certain cadence. And there wasn't too much stress behind it the way I remember. And I just realized I'm not that person. I don't have the same exact skill sets that they do. And so again, just taking something that was tradition and saying,
Sarah Tacey [00:14:51]
Each year we get to adjust and make a decision for what fits right now. So this is a small mini musing on something that I think really matters. And just this Glennon Doyle quote is coming to my mind where she tells her daughter, Disappoint everyone before you disappoint yourself. And her daughter says, Even you, mom. And Glennon says, especially me.
Sarah Tacey [00:15:28]
I just, this is, I just want to honor that this is the big one. That's a, like a, for me, a really big idea as we enter family, dynamics of family. And I just want to say that I'm not assuming that disappointing everyone before disappointing yourself is an easy thing to implement, but if it gives any permission to anyone listening right now to do something that serves your wellbeing this season, like maybe the tradition of tons of presents or, oh my God, the elf on the shelf, we do not do that. That's just such a hard no for me.
Sarah Tacey [00:16:11]
The thought that I would have to plan something, I can imagine for someone else that would be really fun. For me, that would be so stressful. So that is a hard no. I don't know if that will change if both my girls get to an age and they're like, hey, what's up? We don't have the elf.
Sarah Tacey [00:16:27]
Everyone has the elf. But I think I would be able to say, I'm guessing that's going to stay a no for me. So here we go with our reticular activating system, opening up to the possibilities. By the way, that's day one of the 21 days. the power of curiosity, the power of dreaming into something without even knowing the answer.
Sarah Tacey [00:16:52]
It doesn't even, you don't even have to know what it looks like. Every person I've asked to be on the podcast is like, a heck yeah. And there are a few people who have said, can you ask me again later? And they have their own reasons. And I can't tell you how good it feels to know that the people that I'm asking have the capacity, the skill set, the practice of tuning into themselves and having a no before they have a yes or like a not yet before a yes, definitely. What a relief on my end that whoever comes on is on because they want to be on, but also that it's the right timing for them. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful that most people really want to be on. And I'm so grateful that those who it just doesn't feel like right timing yet, that they've said, can you ask me again later? Not now. So grateful. So for real this time, here we go. Show me.
Sarah Tacey [00:18:14]
What it feels like in my body, when I can say no to something, even if I have an underlying fear that I'm going to disappoint somebody, show me the beginning, the middle, the end, maybe even show me the preparation, beginning, middle, end, and integration of that process. Show me a life where I have friends and family who also can tune into themselves and be honest with their no, with their yes, with their desires. I'm so curious. What will my life look like as I continue to be more honest about what I want to do in my life and what I don't want to do in my life?
Sarah Tacey [00:19:24]
What traditions feel irrelevant and if it's not a full no, how I might upgrade them or update them. I like the phrase update better. how I might update them so that I can be in alignment with myself while participating in something that I do actually want to be a part of. Show me a life of joy that comes from clarity, from honesty, from alignment. And show me a life that when I'm feeling the sorrow or the grief,
Sarah Tacey [00:20:08]
But I still have choice. And that choice might be that I reach out to a friend, that I have choice of resource, that I have choice of leaning into the unseen realms to just know that I'm not alone. May choice, even if it's a small choice, be a step towards my own self-liberation. Thank you so much for joining me.
Sarah Tacey [00:20:40]
I wish you all the resources and all the choice, even if the choice is to make fewer choices in this complex, layered season. And may somewhere in there you find joy that really aligns with who you are and what you most desire.
Sarah Tacey [00:21:11]
Thank you for tuning in. It's been such a pleasure. If you're looking for added support, I'm offering a program that's totally free called 21 Days of Untapped Support. It's pretty awesome. It's very easy.
Sarah Tacey [00:21:26]
It's very helpful. You can find it at sarahtacey.com. And if you love this episode, please subscribe and like. Apparently, it's wildly useful. So we could just explore what happens when you scroll down to the bottom, subscribe, rate, maybe say a thing or two. If you're not feeling it, don't do it. It's totally fine. I look forward to gathering with you again. Thank you so much.