092 - Right Distance: Moving Toward Empowered Choice
Welcome, dear ones. Today I am resharing one of my favorite practices from 21 Days of Untapped Support — Right Distance.
Right distance is about transitioning from all-or-nothing thinking to nuanced choice. We can cultivate right distance in our relationships, our workplaces, our creative projects, and our online presence.
Join me as we explore—
How to release all-or-nothing thinking & play with the in-between
The relationship between right distance, right relationship & right timing
Examples of cultivating right distance with work, people & social media
How to find right distance when you end up in a misaligned position
“I wonder” prompts for new possibilities
And if you’d like more support in practicing right distance as you cultivate nervous system resilience, please join me in Resourced, my four-month program that begins in January. I can’t wait to support you in 2025.
Connect with Sarah
Episode Transcript
Sarah Tacy [00:00:00]:
Did you know our decision-making and ability to connect with others, including our kids, is influenced by the state of our nervous system? When our nervous system feels well-resourced, we are more likely to make heart-based decisions instead of falling into protective trauma patterning. We will be more likely to connect with loved ones in creative and generative ways because we've met the heart emotions in ourselves first. And please hear what I'm saying too is that we can then meet our kids in their wide range of emotions in more fun and generative ways when we have resourced ourselves to meet ourselves in these places as well.
Sarah Tacy [00:00:44]:
After feeling like I nearly disappeared postpartum, nervous system resourcing brought me back to life to fully experience joy, build meaningful relationships, strengthen my marriage, and embrace vulnerability. I would love to invite you and or someone you love to Resourced, a four-month program designed for women who have navigated matrescence, that transformative threshold of caring for tiny humans, a threshold that can bring immense joy but also make it challenging to recognize your own existence, let alone your preferences. My dream is to help us become well-resourced, alive mothers, because this is the basis of familial and generational healing but also because feeling embodied and alive is our birthright.
Sarah Tacy [00:01:36]:
The program starts January 6th, but I want to offer this opportunity to you before the holiday season so you can invest in yourself first. When you sign up by Black Friday, you'll save $270, the early bird price being $693. Check the link for more details. It would be a total honor to meet you in this journey. Hello, welcome. I'm Sarah Tacey, and this is Threshold Moments, a podcast where guests and I share stories about the process of updating into truer versions of ourselves.
Sarah Tacy [00:02:22]:
The path is unknown and the pull feels real. Together we share our grief, laughter, love, and life-saving tools. Join us. Hello, welcome to Threshold Moments podcast and to the mini-musing that is on Right Distance. When I first got involved with Alchemical Alignment, Bridgette Vickstens would often say to me or maybe to the class, it's not all or nothing, or maybe she would say all or nothing is a trauma response, which blew my mind. Can you think of the number of times or maybe you just can begin to notice in a conversation where I might say also, so I'll put it in my own experience, I might say to someone, you always say this, you never put these things away.
Sarah Tacy [00:03:26]:
These are kind of all or nothing, or it's like, you have to be on a strict diet or you're on no diet at all. You have to be on a really intensive program or for working out, say, or no program at all. Sometimes it can feel like this in a relationship and it may be truth where it's like we're either in a relationship that's intimate or we can't be near each other at all.
Sarah Tacy [00:03:52]:
And sometimes to me, that seems like it makes good sense. But if I were to play with the possibility that there's an in-between, which has been really interesting over the years, what would the in-between look like? Then I might start to look, there's right timing, which is another one on the 21 days of support, which one could think of it even as divine timing, right relationship. And this doesn't mean right or wrong.
Sarah Tacy [00:04:19]:
It means like, if you can think of a spectrum, where on the spectrum would you be in relationship to somebody else? And right distance is day 20 on the 21 days of untapped support, which I'm just going to plug here and say, it's a free resource that you can get in the links. And I would say you can do it once. I would say it's even better to do with a friend.
Sarah Tacy [00:04:38]:
And I would also say you can do it on repeat because even when I do it, I'm like, oh, yeah, even though I know this one, I often forget this. So day 20 is right distance. And I'll give some of the examples that I give on day 20. I say right distance is the physical, mental, or energetic space or proximity you put between yourself and something or someone else. I love this. This is about relational health.
Sarah Tacy [00:05:16]:
This is about transformation or transforming or transitioning out of the all or nothing thinking and moving into empowered nuance. I love that. Moving into empowering nuanced choice or into empowered nuanced choice. Empowered nuanced choice. I gave examples already of what all or nothing might be like. I'll never speak to her again. I need this project to go the way I need it to go, or I can't present it at all. Perfectionism might fall in this. I have to have social media for my business to keep in touch.
Sarah Tacy [00:06:04]:
I have no choice. So the all or nothing is often like we have no choice or victim in the all or nothing. So some places that we can consider right distance might be between, again, I'll just speak first person. I could consider it between myself and another person, myself and a social event, myself and a family member or a family conflict between myself and a work project or how I engage with the work project at work first, how the distance I give to that work project when I'm with family. So I'm going to give some examples and even more depth, right? Distance from a work project might be saying, I really want this project to be handled differently. And I don't actually want to invest my energy here.
Sarah Tacy [00:07:05]:
So if I'm asked my opinion, I'll give my opinion. Otherwise, I'll keep my distance from the project. And even from me thinking I have the absolute right next way. And I'll let those who are passionate about it handle it. So it's not like I won't touch the project at all, or I have to have total control. It's kind of saying, well, how much energy do I want to invest in it? Not a ton, but I do want a shift to be made. I'm going to give some distance between myself and that. And here are the conditions that I would want in order to be involved. And this is how involved, right? So it's like nuanced choice.
Sarah Tacy [00:07:55]:
And the next example I give is right distance from a lover. And I love this because this gives an example of how right distance can change even with the same person. So right distance from a lover might be that you want to be held as closely as possible, especially when you're going through something hard, or maybe when you're going through something that you're celebrating, and you want them to bring their attention into your heart.
Sarah Tacy [00:08:26]:
So this is now bringing attention. How close is their attention going to come? You want them to bring their attention into your heart. So not just their physical body is right next to you, but now their attention is within you. And then you may want them to read between your words. So now psychically, you want them deep in your thoughts. And you want to be seen deeper than you've ever been seen before.
Sarah Tacy [00:09:00]:
At another time with this exact same lover, you might feel like you want quite a bit of space from this person while you take time for self-care or to make sure that you have time to hang out with friends or family. Because it's possible. So this is also where like right timing comes in. It's possible that if someone were so intimate with you all the time that you'd need some boundary repair, like where do I end and they begin? And where have all of my other relationships gone? And I don't even notice the trees or the stars anymore because I'm only looking into this person and them into me. So right distance is moment to moment, how close or how far until you feel attuned and you feel this is healthy for this individual person at this individual time. Another example, right distance for social media might include how personal you get with whom you respond to.
Sarah Tacy [00:10:08]:
And when you log in and out might be boundaries that you put on it. When I tell these stories, I often change pronouns and really try to make it like a little bit more discreet. So I'm going to say, I can think of a time where somebody had an aunt visiting and I could see in their body that there was some tension. And then when their aunt got closer, like started traveling home. And so their aunt was further away in physical distance. And my friend called the aunt to just see how they were doing.
Sarah Tacy [00:10:50]:
Like, how was the travel going? Are you almost home? I saw that my friend's shoulders were down and that their voice was back to normal. And it's like, oh, this is right distance for she and her aunt. Like from this distance, her body is relaxed and she can have a good relationship with this person. But when this person is in the home with my friend, it's too much on the system. Like it's not right distance for them. I know of people who have moved states so that they can have better relationships with their parents.
Sarah Tacy [00:11:26]:
So that it wasn't like, I will never talk to my parents again, but it's like, oh, at two hours away or six hours away or an airplane ride away, my parent and I can have a great relationship. And as I'm saying that I'm thinking about my brother and I in junior high and high school, there was some serious conflict and tension, but then he went to college and I could visit him for a weekend and we could be real cool because there was enough distance in time between us so that those smaller intervals at that time in life really worked for each other. I'm thinking of this one other example, which was as we were coming out of COVID and beginning to see people, I noticed that I was very overwhelmed when I went to a big gathering with women, something I would be normally very comfortable with.
Sarah Tacy [00:12:25]:
And so right distance was that I wouldn't engage in each conversation that was happening. I wasn't going to ask everybody about their deepest moments because I didn't have the capacity to hold them. So right distance was grabbing a hot cup of water with lemon in it, getting my sweater and wrapping it around me, taking my shoes off so my feet could be on the ground. Further from that, I would say that people I might generally hang out with multiple times a year, I might say like, okay, I'll see them once this year. For some people would be like, I'll see them and we'll go on a walk together or we'll do something together where my nearest and dearest might come over for dinner. Our kids might hang out.
Sarah Tacy [00:13:18]:
So just this idea that right distance, right timing can kind of overlap right relations of how we space things out. And if we're in a situation that we ended up in and it's not lining up with our highest desires that even within there, where do we find choice? Because as we move from no choice, which has trauma physiology in it and victimhood to choice, even if super small little steps and nuances, then we can begin to feel more empowered and we begin to see more possibilities. And then a situation which may have seemed really bad or uncomfortable, we might actually begin to feel little pieces of comfort within it when we start making little changes, little choices in that situation.
Sarah Tacy [00:14:23]:
In this moment, I think what I do want to possibly share is what this might look like as a somatic practice. So in a session, we might tune in and actually begin to work out these nuances of getting clear on say, if it were social media, how you want to engage, how it feels in your body. So we can get nuanced like that. But another exercise that is actually called the right distance exercise is if you're in the room with somebody, and you'd find kind of where, where it feels best orientation wise, when I'm standing to your side, when I'm standing, when combining two exercises here, but when I'm standing directly in front of you behind you, and you start to notice that you actually have preferences of where certain people are in your periphery. And then you can say like, can I take another step closer? And in day to day life, it's just like, yeah, somebody comes up to you, you're totally fine. It's not a big deal.
Sarah Tacy [00:15:27]:
But when you really slow down, you can start to feel your energetic boundaries and become more aware of how your body is responding to another's. And you might realize like out of familiarity, like, oh my God, you can come all the way into my heart. Is that true? Is that optimal? Or is that familiar? Okay, let's slow it down a little bit more. Can I take one step? Does this really feel good to you? Can I take one step more? And it might even be at the beginning. No, you can't take a step in. Let's start by stepping away.
Sarah Tacy [00:16:00]:
And then you can start to energetically, okay, how does it feel for me to be outside of the room? What if I moved to the outskirts of the city? And the person can imagine, how does it feel to have you further away? And some people could be like, you could go out to the moon and that would be good for me, or you can come into my heart and it's good for me. And it's all good. And someone else might say, yeah, you can go to the moon and actually don't come any closer. And this is so good for a practitioner to be like, okay, it isn't personal. They just wanted so much space while still having someone be present for company. I once noticed in it where I was like, I'm so fine with everything. I'm not going to feel anything in this exercise. And I was so shocked that as the person moved further away, I think of myself as someone who loves solo time. As I started moving further away, I was like, ooh, oh, that feels like abandonment.
Sarah Tacy [00:17:03]:
That feels lonely. Can you come a little closer? And yeah, this exercise is so great at just beginning to have practice at nuance and nuance choice. And I feel like it's a practice that I never get bored of doing or even observing from the outside other people doing. We get to see what is too close? What is just close enough? What is too far? What is just far enough? And where is actually my direct middle preference? What is my right distance? And then to know that we can do it metaphorically and physically with so many different elements of our life. Even say religion. Religion would be a great one for me. Man, I could look at it and say, man, so many people have been hurt within religion, within dogma, within following certain rules and structures that to me don't seem love-based and seem fear-based and seem to serve a certain power structure outside of ourselves. And from right distance, and then again, choosing my orientation and my perspective in, maybe it's about learning more about Mother Mary. Maybe it's about learning more about Jesus from different texts that maybe weren't canonized.
Sarah Tacy [00:18:37]:
Maybe it's about learning the history. Maybe it's about feeling in my own body, my connection to the divine and to meditating on Jesus. I was raised Protestant. So I can start to get what is right distance because at some point, even the word God was triggering to me. I imagined a white man with a white beard, an older man in the sky. The Michelangelo with God and Adam touching fingers up in the sky was my image of God, a man who brought down harsh judgment for sin. This is totally my experience that I'm speaking into. I began to study in college, religion 101, world religion. Why did religions form? Why do certain religions have different rules, belief systems, but also just what are they? Where did they come from? What do they feel like? So I had to first get right distance, but then I also wanted to broaden my base of understanding of various religions.
Sarah Tacy [00:19:52]:
And then deep in my own experience of energy, wisdom, things coming into me, through me, perceived through life, right distance from religion might then actually allow me to bring spirituality into my heart. And I should say, instead of religion from like dogma. So again, if I were to leave you and maybe I'll start doing this now, if I were to leave you with an I wonder statement again for episode four of reticular formation, so that our brain might begin to just open up to see from a new perspective, what would life be like if I had nuanced choice with how close or far away I was from other things, other people in life.
Sarah Tacy [00:20:53]:
What if things don't have to be all or nothing? I'm so curious about my nuanced choice and my ability to continue to update that choice moment to moment. I wonder what it would be like to trust myself and my nuanced choice and to actually speak out loud my desire. Thank you for tuning in. It's been such a pleasure. If you're looking for added support, I'm offering a program that's totally free called 21 days of untapped support. It's pretty awesome. It's very easy. It's very helpful. You can find it at sarahtacy.com. And if you love this episode, please subscribe and like apparently it's wildly useful. So we could just explore what happens when you scroll down to the bottom, subscribe rate, maybe say a thing or two. If you're not feeling it, don't do it. It's totally fine. I look forward to gathering with you again. Thank you so much. Are you ready to build capacity for stress, joy and vitality? Go from foggy to focus, break free from anxiety and apathy.
Sarah Tacy [00:22:38]:
Your nervous system plays a crucial role in your relationship and decision making. By learning to resource your nervous system, you can make heart centered choices, respond to challenges with ease and grace, build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. If you're interested, I invite you to join our four month resourced program. It's for women who have been through metresons, that threshold of mothering tiny humans and come experience the transformative power of a well resourced nervous system. It begins January 6th. You'll learn practical tools to calm, awaken and support your body, connect with your emotions, cultivate deeper, more authentic relationships and create generative and regulating practices that you can do with your kids. Don't wait. Invest in yourself today before the holidays. The price is $693, which is a $270 discount through Black Friday. Join now. If this speaks to your heart, if this speaks to your deepest desires of what you want to move into in this next phase of your life.