Nobody Knew It Was Her
I found myself laid out on the couch with a back that was totally seized up. A pattern I've known since I was 18. More on this another time.
So instead of seeing my mother and grandmother in person on Mother's Day, I enjoyed leftovers and snacks with my mama the following day, which gave me the chance to write her a note.
I never know what my notes are going to say until I start writing them. This one was about all the behind-the-scenes ways she really made a difference, to me and to communities whom may never know that she took a stand for them.
When she noticed girls were dropping out of sports around age eight, she petitioned the town rec department to start a girls' league. The league filled right away. Nobody knew it was her.
Two years later, when my brother had a town travel soccer team to play for but the girls did not, she once again went behind the scenes and helped get our town's girls' travel team together.
She called the school when she heard whispers of a racial injustice that went unattended, and made sure people were held accountable so kids with smaller voices felt safer. She spoke directly to the leaders who could help.
She kept her family business alive through the 2008 financial crisis, Again, very few knew the hours and energy she poured in.
She has never stood in front of an auditorium. She has never taken center field/stage. It's not her style, plus crowds make her nervous.
It felt easy, and touched my own heart, to take a few minutes out of my day to recognize her quiet, effective activism (I've been told 'quiet' is an AI word. This is me!).
And here's the really cool thing that I'm going to geek out on:
There is research that says when an act of kindness happens, the giver gets a lift and the receiver gets a lift (Chancellor, Margolis, Bao, & Lyubomirsky, 2018).
The givers in that study reported significant increases in job and life satisfaction and a decrease in depressive symptoms that lasted for months after the study ended. And the receivers went on to pay it forward at 278% the rate of the control group.
What?!?!
The person who simply witnesses an act of kindness gets a lift too. There is a measurable physiological response in the body, called moral elevation. A warm, opening sensation in the chest and a pull to act in kind (Schnall et al., 2010; Algoe & Haidt, 2009).
Three nervous systems benefiting from one act.
Listen, as mamas, aunties, community leaders, mindful business owners, or tenders to our own inner child, we would do the work even if no one was watching. We don't stop tending to our kiddos because they forgot to thank us. The sun doesn't stop rising (or the earth doesn't stop spinning around the sun) just because we forgot to acknowledge the miracle.
But how sweet might life get if we did? My interpretation of those studies is that acknowledgement was part of what made this loop go round.
What might we amplify? How much more likely would we be to give from an overflowing well (278% perhaps?) if we took time to thank the birds, our teachers, our friends, our kiddos, our mothers?
Writing that note felt great. Receiving it must have felt pretty good too. My dad was there, and I'm guessing if receiving this made my mom's day, then his day was elevated too. Lol.
The silent reps and the dedication to what matters to us is devotional, and perhaps potent precisely because we would do it no matter what.
So I'm here celebrating the devotional acts that we do no matter what, and the moments of acknowledgment.
This newsletter is not a do more silent work newsletter!
So if you're reading this and your first thought is I should give more, please pause. The medicine for an over-giver is not more giving. The medicine may be noticing what is already here for you.
Take a moment to acknowledge a teacher, a friend, an ancestor, or the people you'll never know whose work is holding you right now. Maybe even acknowledge yourself. Your baseline is extrodinary. Say it out loud. Tell the story, as you imagine it, to a friend. Write it down. Or just start with I wonder… Watch what happens in your chest.
That warmth and expansion you may feel, is the elevation.
It is not a small thing to feel less alone in the giving, receiving, and noticing. It might be the whole thing.
In appreciation of your participation in this relational field!