How Envy Led Me to Joy
This location is what I often refer to as, “The place I feel most alive.” My parents, husband, kids and I all got to spend a week there, in Nosara Costa Rica, for my husband’s 40th birthday over the new year.
The Nosara Yoga Institute was the place where I spent hours a day, days a week, and many weeks a year in yoga teacher trainings.
I felt alive while walking the jungle paths to the pavilion (Samadhi Mandir).
I felt alive when Amba would blast music and lead us through unpredictable and challenging yoga flows, yelling out funny inspirational things, while the jungle winds whipped through the the pavilion.
I felt alive when Don would explore the Yoga Sutras with us, opening our minds to new ways of being.
I felt alive riding on the back of a motorcycle to the disco tech and dancing all night long.
I felt alive riding my beach cruiser over the bumpy roads, with salt in my hair and sun on my skin.
I felt alive getting to know the locals, trying my best at Spanish, and making sweet new connections.
Finally, I felt alive (top 3 experiences in my life) when I was invited to lead my own 100 hour yoga anatomy training at the Nosara Yoga Institute .
I showed up scared and excited, prepared yet never fully ready, alert and surrendered to presence itself.
I lead this training for 5 years before becoming a mom. Ten years later I returned for this 40th birthday trip, but this time more as an observer than an enthusiastic learner.
I watched as my family members found their rhythm in this place I once considered a second home. Steve had peak surfing experience after peak surfing experience. My kids laughed non-stop as they watched their papa get tossed by the water, or while playing on a surfboard or making sandcastles with their nana. We all enjoyed the fresh fruit being sold on the side of the dirt road. It filled me to see the medicine of this place touch each person I loved.
Yet near the end of the vacation as my husband approached another peak experience (this time deep sea fishing with my father) I found myself feeling resentful with a side of envy.
Resentment and envy feel shitty and for me a bit shameful, but they’re loaded with good information. This time it was, “I’ll have what he’s having.” (When Harry Met Sally)
He’s having peak experiences. He’s coming home to himself and to the things that make him feel alive. It’s all I had ever wanted for him, but I realized I had lost it myself. To add insult to injury, if I were to actively claim the time, I had no idea what I would actually do.
What do I even like? Is anything fun or exciting to me? I know how to stabilize my nervous system, but do I know what a “Hell yes!” would feel like?
I asked the universe, “Please show me, what makes me feel alive?”
Then I let it go because the universe and our reticular activating system in our brain do their best work when we ask a question and let it go.
The result of this question has led to an epic year of remembering that light within.
My podcast editor asked if I would tell these stories, so I recorded a series on Threshold Moments. They are 20-30 min episodes that come out twice a week.
Today’s episode is about my trip to Acadia National Park in May, which wildly enough, is where I am writing to you from today!! It speaks about confusion and clarity as key elements to a good adventure.
Thursday will be about Scotland!!! Tune in! Like and follow the show if these stories peak your interest as these episodes come out twice a week through July.
Wishing you a small hint of something that is clearly for you. Or, perhaps a crude feeling that redirects you toward your next right step.
With joy and gratitude,
Sarah
Photo: An evening putter around Mount Desert Island (home to Acadia National Park)
Sneak peak from Scotland:
