136 - Ruthie Lindsey: When Obstacles Become Portals
What if the hardest things you've lived through are invitations into your life? Ruthie has survived what most bodies are never asked to hold. I wanted the details, and she gives them. What I did not expect was how present she stayed while telling me. No performance of having healed. Just a woman living from right now, with a grace that makes a listeners body settle.
In this deeply honest and expansive conversation, Sarah sits down with writer, speaker, coach, and beloved internet friend Ruthie Lindsey to explore the thresholds that have shaped her life—and the wisdom she's found on the other side of them.
Ruthie shares the story behind the pain narrative that defined much of her public identity: a devastating car accident at seventeen, a wire accidentally left in her brainstem, years of chronic pain, addiction to approval, the collapse of a marriage, spiritual deconstruction, nervous breakdowns, and the long journey of learning who she is beyond what she's survived.
This may sound devastating, but somehow Ruthie lifts us all up during her story telling. She gives us home and holds up a light for anyone navigating their own threshold.
Together, Sarah and Ruthie explore belonging, identity, chronic pain, somatics, spirituality, relationships, and the tender process of becoming more fully human. They discuss the difference betaween healing and fixing, why some thresholds never fully end, and how life can become richer, simpler, and more meaningful when we stop waiting to arrive somewhere else.
This conversation is filled with laughter, honesty, and the kind of wisdom that can only come from living through what once felt impossible.
Episode Transcript:
Sarah Tacy: [00:00:00] Welcome to Threshold Moments. Today we have with us Ruthie Lindsey, and Ruthie, I was trying to think back to the first time that we met, and I don't know if it was Relax Money Live-
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm-hmm.
Yes ... I can't... It was?
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
Okay. In Miami. Because I was trying to trace to, like, why, if that was the first time we met, where there was so much going on that I wouldn't have been able to, like, really drop in with you, that why the next year when I went to Relax Money Live, I was like, "Ruthie lives in Nashville.
Oh, I have this one free day. I should hang out with Ruthie." Like, if we hadn't ever actually, like, met face to face, why I was so confident and comfortable that, like- ... clearly I need to meet- That's what we're
Ruthie Lindsey: doing ... this
woman.
Ruthie Lindsey: Well, I think we met... I w- I knew of your work because of Kate beforehand, then we met in person in Miami last year, and but what had happened, I [00:01:00] think, in between those two years of Relax Money Live is we had communicated on the internet.
Ruthie Lindsey: We had communicated texting. You know, and so we had kind of, through the internet, kinda created a little bit more of a relationship,
I think. Just like we need to know each other.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah. So then I already adored you, so then we just got to drop in so much more, which was so fun.
So fun.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yes.
Uh, and so
When I asked you to come onto Threshold Moments, there was this part of me that actually literally two minutes before we logged on, I was like, "Wait, I should... What i- what was Ruthie's book? I haven't read her book yet. I need to..." Like, usually I do all this research, and you and I have been meeting, um, most Thursdays with Generous EOP.
Yeah. And most of the time when we converse, we're really in, like, what is present now.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yes.
And it always seems like the most important thing.
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm-hmm.
And so [00:02:00] I've never really taken the time or made the time to just be like, "Tell me everything." Who are you? What is your story? Like, I wanna almost say why do I love you so much?
Um, because I, I love you as you are in present moment, and I'm sure that so much of your history has been part of the creation of who you are in this present moment.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
And so I am just, like, selfishly and excitedly hoping to take this time to get to know about your past- Mm-hmm ... and all the way into present.
And when I did just go on your website, it says, "For women standing at the threshold-" Mm-hmm "... I'll walk you through."
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm-hmm.
Well, we're on Threshold Moments.
Ruthie Lindsey: I know, which made me so excited. Totally. Totally. Yeah. Well, thank you. Honestly, for me, there's something so refreshing about [00:03:00] someone just meeting you now.
Ruthie Lindsey: Like, you know, m- I built a career off a pain story.
Mm.
Ruthie Lindsey: And so, so much of my public life up, you know, through my 30s, I'd say, was built around a pretty traumatic pain story. And so there was a lot of back history even when I would meet a lot of strangers, you know? And, and so it just kinda informs how you think you know someone when you have a lot of history, especially when it's, like, really been informed around pain and suffering and loss.
Ruthie Lindsey: And a lot of that doesn't fit for me anymore. Is there still very alive, painful human things in my life? Absofreakinglutely. You know? That's the human experience. I'll be in this messy middle until I take my last breath. And- I don't know. So much of that past, which of course it did inform who I am today.
Ruthie Lindsey: Like, I would not be the person sitting across for you, from you if [00:04:00] that had not been my portal in. I really believe it's been my portal into doing so much unlearning and so much remembering and so much, um, really consciousness work and shadow work and all of that. And so much of it doesn't really fit anymore.
Ruthie Lindsey: So, like, I'm so excited to go back. I'll tell you anything. You can literally ask me anything. There's nothing off the table here at all. And, you know, you're getting to know the truest version of me today, which all of that informed. And I'd say it's, it's, for me, it's so fun that you don't know a p- a ton of that past stuff, you know?
Ruthie Lindsey: Like, not that I'm not here to tell you anything, but I love how we've met. I love that, like, our love is beyond the story.
Yeah. I think that's what's been fun for me, too, where it's not necessary.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
And it's always so nice. It's so [00:05:00] surprising sometimes. I've even had other people say that I've written about something in l- like lacrosse in my history, and someone's like, "Wait, this? I didn't know this about you," and my daughter's going through this thing. And so it can start to link things-
Ruthie Lindsey: Yes ...
and fill out a picture.
And so it's so nice to know, like my love is not contingent on a story. Yeah. And, and I'm really excited to get to know you more.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah. And I think because my identity was that pain story for so long, I couldn't meet someone without instantly telling them- Mm ... the pain story. Because unconsciously, one, it was my identity, but two, it made me feel special.
Ruthie Lindsey: 'Cause I'm like the only human that's had so many of these crazy and thing... insane things happen, and but I'm still here. And so I found a lot of identity in being the girl that overcame so many traumatic things, and it made me feel special. Like, as an Enneagram 4, that's like our drive, is to feel special and unique, and I'm like, "Bitch, I'm the only human that's had a wire pierce their brain [00:06:00] stem."
Ruthie Lindsey: And so I found so much identity, 'cause instantly people would be like, "Wow, you are so brave. You are so strong." And in my head, it made me feel like I deserve a seat at this table. Look what I've done. Look what I've overcome. Look what I've lived through. Like, also kind of like feel sorry for me and think I'm just like the most amazing human.
Ruthie Lindsey: And none of this was conscious, you know? Of course. But I would... Anytime I met someone, I would figure out a way to fill that story in, because it made me feel special. So in some ways, this to me feels so precious that like for, you know, half a year we've been meeting on these Thursdays, and that you don't know so much of that.
Ruthie Lindsey: Like, for me, that feels like growth.
Incredible.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
I almost made a joke, I'm like, "That's so special."
Ruthie Lindsey: Aren't
Ruthie Lindsey: I so special and unique? Look what I've overcome. I've overcome my overcoming story. Wow, I'm so [00:07:00] amazing, Sarah. Catch up. Oh, I love us. Okay From Lovesville Special.
Ruthie Lindsey: All right. Anything you want to know. All right.
Okay. Okay. Um, and so I've, I've heard these pieces of the wire-
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah ...
but I haven't really understood. So can you take me back-
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah ...
to maybe a month, I believe you had a car accident.
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm-hmm.
Can you take me back to, like, a month before that and describe who you were-
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah
and kind of how you navigated through the world at that time?
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah. Before my wreck.
Mm-hmm.
Ruthie Lindsey: Oh, I love that question. No one has ever asked me that before. Um, I, ugh, was so earnest and so wanted to be good- [00:08:00] Mm ... and to have people love me and like me, and I, I knew what I needed to do to get that. So a month before my wreck, I'd just gotten homecoming queen, which ironically I remember waking up the morning after, um, being crowned, you know, homecoming queen, and I remember my dad telling me that I got...
Ruthie Lindsey: 'Cause he was the pr- the superintendent, and so he's, you know, in education, and that the principal told him that I got more votes than anyone ever had because I got the Black and white vote, and usually the Black people voted Black, white people voted white. And of course, that night, that felt so special to me, and the next morning I woke up and I remember feeling so depressed.
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm. So depressed, Sarah. Like- I remember this very conscious thing. I woke up, I thought as a, you know, I had just turned 17, like a few days before, [00:09:00] that this would make me feel okay. I got all the people to like me. I'm the most popular girl in the school by a long shot. You know, these are my little 17-year g- old girl thinking.
Ruthie Lindsey: And I'm like, "And I still feel so empty. I still feel so empty. I'm not fulfilled." And it, it scared me. It really scared me because as a child, that's the end all be all, you think, which is so cute. Aren't we adorable? And I got all the people to like me, and, you know, that was the biggest thing in my home.
Ruthie Lindsey: Every day when I'd come home from school, my mom would say, "What did they say about you today?"
Mm. "
Ruthie Lindsey: How pretty you are. What'd they say about your outfit?" And it was all... She'd ask about specific people that were, like, the more impor- quote, unquote, "special, important people." So I learned at a very young age my value, my worth, my identity is in what these people, the, quote, unquote, "important people" think about me.
Ruthie Lindsey: And that was, like, such a baseline for me, you know? And so, you know, I was captain of [00:10:00] the cheer team, tallest cheerleader there ever was. I was homecoming queen. I was captain of my basketball team, and I knew everyone in the town, and the parents liked me, and, you know. And I had a debilitating eating disorder.
Ruthie Lindsey: Debilitating. Mm. I never talked about it. I starved myself or binged. That went on for so much of my life, up until my 30s really. Um, and I had the biggest smile on my face and the sweetest, kindest... You know, I knew what I needed to do to get people to like me and to think I was okay, and to, you know, be popular, and I was very much not okay inside.
I think that's one of the scariest feelings.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah You get it. You get the thing.
Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, [00:11:00] very plainly someone could call it the arrival fallacy, and we hear about it all the time with Olympians or people- Yes ... have been... People, I say people as if many people have been to the moon. You know, going to outer space.
Receivers.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
Yeah, where you get the thing, and then you come home and you're alone. Yeah. Because when we have something to strive for, then we think that our lack of happiness is because we don't have that thing we're striving for. And the striving can kind of feel fun. It's like- Totally ... a game. Or it could feel, uh, like fight or flight, but the adrenaline can also be addictive, or the dopamine or the oxytocin, like all the hits that we're getting to get along the way.
Ruthie Lindsey: Totally.
Yeah.
Ruthie Lindsey: Absolutely. Well, and, you know, we're all chasing. It's so human. Like, I, I have so much tenderness for that younger version of me. Oh my God, I love her so much, and she was so boxed in. And so, you know, I [00:12:00] call it my little box of conformity. I, like, folded my 6'1" frame into the teeniest, tiniest, prettiest, cutest, tied up bow trying for belonging.
Ruthie Lindsey: I mean, that's, how human is that, right? Mm-hmm. What do I need to do? How do I need to dress? How thin do I need to be? How pretty do I need to be? How popular do I need to be to get this love, acceptance, and belonging? And I got it. I really got it. I was like so... I pretended to be an extrovert all the time. I was, like, such a closeted introvert because people love extroverts.
Ruthie Lindsey: They love... I remember having a conscious thought in second grade, um, that was, "If you smile..." I was seven. "If you smile really big at people and just keep asking them questions, they'll love you." I was seven. And I was not wr- they would love a version of me. They wouldn't love me. But I got... I was not wrong, right?
Ruthie Lindsey: Like, I learned what I needed to do to get that affirmation, to be able to [00:13:00] come home and say, "Well, they said this about me, and they did this, and blah, blah, blah, invited me to do this thing." You know, I, I... And if they didn't, something was wrong, I believed. If I came home and I didn't have anything to say, I'm like, "Oh, what's wrong with me?
Ruthie Lindsey: Why didn't they like me? Why didn't they say my outfit was pretty? Why didn't they say how pretty I was? Why didn't they say how skinny I was? Why didn't they say that I did good on that test?" You know? And- Mm-hmm ... and so that became my litmus test of I'm okay or I'm not okay. And of course it was fleeting because it was never real, Yeah
Ruthie Lindsey: ever. And I think so much of my life, it's like, has blown up. I mean, I've had nervous breakdowns. I've gone to treatment. I've had... My life has imploded in more ways than I can put into words. And actually, ironically, what's so interesting, so I lived in a b- ac-, you know, I died in this car accident. Used wire and spinal cord fusions.
Ruthie Lindsey: The wire, my wire broke and [00:14:00] pierced my brain stem. I lived in a bed for seven years. I was married. The marriage imploded. I worked at a church. My belief system imploded. I walked away from religion. I walked away from my job. I walked away from everything I thought would make me okay in this world. You know, I'm gonna be married and have 9 million children and adopt 9 million children and have babies from all over the world.
Ruthie Lindsey: And, and all of a sudden, I'm living in this bed in debilitating pain on every narcotic that exists, um, wanting to die every second, thinking, "Life has abandoned me. God has abandoned me." My dad died in that midst of it. My husband left for a good friend of mine. Like, everything I thought- Ugh ... made me okay and made me valuable and worthy imploded.
Ruthie Lindsey: 9 million... I didn't think I was capable of getting, you know, dependent on narcotics. I didn't think I was capable of being so depressed I wanted to die. I didn't think I was capable of having nervous breakdowns. This popular, you know, perfect [00:15:00] homecoming queen. I didn't know what I was capable of. Mm. And all of these really brutally painful, traumatic experiences that I had became the portal to consciousness, to awakening, to unlearning who I thought I had to be to get, you know, acceptance and belonging, of who I thought I had to be to be loved.
Ruthie Lindsey: Um, all that ruptured 10 times over. And ironically enough, so lived in a bed for seven years. Had a massive nervous breakdown when my husband left and all these other things happened. Seven years later, which I didn't know anything about seven-year cycles, had another massive nervous breakdown. I was not living in the alignment that my soul wanted.
Ruthie Lindsey: I was very involved in the Hollywood world. And again, another nervous breakdown. I ended up going to treatment that time. Ironically enough, this July, [00:16:00] right now, is seven years later. And I was telling Eric, it's brought up a lot for me. Like, I have felt a lot of grief. I'm in some, like, pretty hard health things that we were talking about earlier, I know you know about, that have been really challenging and scary.
Ruthie Lindsey: I've lived with chronic pain for 30 years, and then new... You know, I'm losing my vision right now. I broke my foot. I haven't been able to walk much at all in the last three and a half months. And things have been difficult. And I'm like, if the universe is obsessed with me, which I really believe it is. The universe is so in love with us and obsessed with us, and I forget that all the time, and then I remind myself of the truth.
Ruthie Lindsey: If the universe is so madly endeared to me and in love with me and obsessed with me, like it is everyone else. I, I, I believe in non-duality. I can hold two things at once. It's been really brutal. I wouldn't wish [00:17:00] a lot of the things I've lived through on anyone. And also, on the other side of that coin, my favorite humans on planet Earth have lived through hell and back, and it has stripped them of who they thought they had to be.
Ruthie Lindsey: That we're all walking around with masks on. People think they're not. We're adorable. We're so cute. And maybe it's my nine million Scorpio planet placings that I'm like, "Let's get underneath all that."
Yeah.
Ruthie Lindsey: Not real. And, you know, on the other side of it is, like, the woman it's invited me into remembering that I am.
Ruthie Lindsey: It has been my portal. It has been my portal into remembering, into consciousness, into remembering the oneness. To, like-
Ruthie Lindsey: to being here, you know? Of adoring my human, imperfect, messy as fuck humanness, and also I am this, like, above and beyond delightful extension of [00:18:00] divinity all at the same time. I'm always both, right? It's so messy, and it's so profoundly holy at the same time, only always. And I just know that, you know, today's Eric, my partner's, I call it his eighth birthday.
Ruthie Lindsey: He's been sober eight years, and he wouldn't live if he had not gotten sober. And all of that, you know, 30-something years of hell sent him on this portal. The deepest pain of his life awakened him into being the most precious, tender, kindest, generous, loving, hilarious, raw human man that I'm so obsessed with.
Ruthie Lindsey: And like all my favorite people, it's like we want the results of going through hell on Earth- ... without going through hell on Earth. But that's just... We can talk to God about it when we go back. Like, I don't know why that's the way it works, but all my favorite humans, like, have really b- met the parts of them that have lived in the depths of [00:19:00] hell.
Mm.
Ruthie Lindsey: And learned how to meet it with compassion and kindness and hilarity and humor and levity and play and, like, alchemize it into something really beautiful. And those are my people. Mm. You know? And I just- I w- as crazy and insane as it sounds, like, I don't know why my soul signed up for some insa- I wanna have some come to Jesus meetings with my soul sometimes.
Ruthie Lindsey: I'm like, "Bitch, really? This is what we wanted to experience in this life?" And I'm in awe. I'm in awe, like, of the woman I get to be today, of the people like you that I get to have in my life, of... You know, I just got off a call with a client right before, and it was her finishing up a six-month container with me, and we're like, she's mirroring back to me the things that she's so proud of herself for in this, and it's still so human.
Ruthie Lindsey: You know? It's like I, I don't sell to someone a magic bullet where all of a [00:20:00] sudden you're gonna be this enlightened being that doesn't struggle with humanity anymore. Like, that's just bullshit. Mm-hmm. It's bullshit, and that's a greater sell. It's a easier sell, but it's a lie. It's a fucking lie. And instead, she is bringing these unconscious parts into awareness and learning practices.
Ruthie Lindsey: She's like, "I didn't know I could meet these shame parts, and these fear parts, and these anxiety parts with love. I just thought I had to beat them up and beat them into submission." Yeah. And I'm like, "A, freaking myth." That... And also, she just got this massive raise, and she's like, "Whatever I choose, if I walk away from it or if I don't, I'm gonna disappoint people, but I've only ever looked to how can I make everyone else happy?"
Ruthie Lindsey: And it's like for the first time in my life, she's like, "I'm following what do I want? What's gonna make me happy?" And I'm like, "Girl, you're nailing it." Mm-hmm. Like, if that's what you walk away with, more [00:21:00] compassion for yourself, more joy in your life, laughing at your human patterns that are, like, so messy it's amazing, and we can, like, bring levity, then what...
Ruthie Lindsey: That, that's it. Yeah. That's it. That's the whole point. And I couldn't do that or mirror that if I couldn't do that for myself and haven't needed that for myself. Mm. I can only offer and mirror what is my own work, right? And so, wow, what a privilege- Mm ... that I've lived what I've lived through. What a privilege that I get to sit across from that precious woman and see her remember herself, right?
Ruthie Lindsey: And, and how powerful she is, and how worthy she is, and how deserving she is, and how hilarious, and just precious. Oh, I love her so much. And I couldn't do that if I couldn't do that for me, right? And so it was all a part of it. Do I understand it all? [00:22:00] No. And it was all a part of it.
Mm.
Ruthie Lindsey: That was a really long answer to, I think, one question.
You jumped through a timeline pretty quick. I was like, okay, we got car accident, wire, divorce, betrayal. But I feel like- Well- ... there's part of you that's kind of wants to just be like, like not- Yeah ... wanting to sit in each one of those parts. And I'm like, okay, I'm following you. I got you. That sounds so hard.
So did I And we're back to the present moment.
Ruthie Lindsey: It is psycho, and it's been so beautiful. And I think, you know, that younger version, what did they say about you? Thought that I need to be so famous, and the world needs to know my name, and, you know, think that I'm amazing. And Sarah, like now, you know, at sunset, I try to sit on my porch, and I feed [00:23:00] nine million neighborhood cats.
Ruthie Lindsey: And I'm just... I'm sitting out there, and I'm like, "Why is anything more important than this?" Like, sitting with my man, who I'm so obsessed with in the most precious way, with... Surrounded by these animals that were so scared, and now they feel so safe with me, and watching the sunset, and obsessing over a new leaf that just grew on my plant.
Ruthie Lindsey: Like, and, and my, you know, texting with my widow neighbor that... Anyway, I just am like, w- why is that more important than this? Mm-hmm. What, what could be... And I'm not making any of that wrong either. But it's just, it's all changed what matters to me now. Mm-hmm. And it's way simpler. It's way less flashy. It's not, um...
Ruthie Lindsey: A, a younger me would think I'm really boring.
Mm.
Ruthie Lindsey: And I'm obsessed with the [00:24:00] quote, unquote boring parts of my life.
I wrote a newsletter. So the last two newsletters actually really line up with, with what you're sharing here. Uh, one is about... Okay, I'm gonna share both.
Ruthie Lindsey: Okay.
One is about the gap, which Siana, my youngest, just lost her, one of her baby teeth in the front.
Oh. And I was-
Ruthie Lindsey: My favorite look in
the world. Yeah. And her baby tooth is so, I mean, it's so small. They're these tiny little Chiclets. Like, they're so small, but the gap is, like, s- getting... It's just getting bigger and bigger. It looks like three teeth fell out, where just one tooth fell out. And she's just like...
But also I just, I wanna say, I'm gonna skip around here a little bit, that since she was very, like a baby, right away people are like, "Whoa, she's so beautiful. She's so this. She-" Yeah. And then she happens to have the most amazing eloquence and [00:25:00] speech, like, at, even as like o- at one and a half or two, where she'll say things to adults and they're like, "We..."
Like, they're like, "How are you?" And she'll be like, "Well, today I'm feeling..." And she'll like just- And then she'll look them straight in the eyes with these huge blue eyes and long eyelashes, and she'll be like, "How are you doing?" And adults freeze. They're like... And you know, Kate Northrup, too, is always like, "What planet is she from?"
Like, what... But the thing is, Sianna, she knows.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
She is clocking it the way that you clocked it. I clocked it, too, by the way, when I would like, when my mom's friends were like, "Oh my gosh, she's so polite," and like- Oh ... check, got it. Yep. Yep. Now I know how to act. They will all love me.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yep.
So I know she's clocking it.
Mm-hmm. And then the beautiful and fun side is that, like, also when she's home and she's with us, she has this super devious side. Yes. Like, she's Scorpio, too, so she like- Yes ... likes to like do these little stings. Steve said something to her the other day that was like, "It shouldn't..." I mean, [00:26:00] listen, Steve is super loving and amazing.
I am, too. And we both say things sometimes where you're like, "Why did I just say that to my kid?" Totally. And so it was something like, "It shouldn't take you 10 minutes to..." It was put her helmet on, I think something like that. It like, "It shouldn't take you X, Y, and Z." And then she just like sat with it. She didn't fight it right away, and then later he was trying to get it off, and she's like, "It shouldn't take you two minutes to get it off."
Like, she just like, she never zings me, but she like... And we just both start laughing because she's calling us on our BS, but she's like waiting for just the right time to zing us. Oh, God, I love that. That's funny. And she'll do things that I'm like, oh my God, she's so... And people think she's like, mm, just like the cutest, sweetest.
But like she's also the one who wants, like we played this, um, game of like do you know your family, and it's like if you got a tattoo, where would it be? And each one of us was like, "Well, if I got mine it would be..." And she's like, "When I get mine-" When. ... like florals, like on my face here. So she was, she's like [00:27:00] already like, she and Steve are out, and they came back, and I was like, "Do you have more piercings?"
Like, she has second piercings. She's like, "Yeah, when do I get the third?" Oh. And so like she has, I guess, just this range, and she also knows like when she, when she's got someone. So back to the gap. When I looked at the gap I'm just gonna go all over the place today.
Ruthie Lindsey: Love it.
I was like, "Oh my God, the analogy," right?
Like, the metaphors are everywhere. Like, the times where we lose parts of ourselves, like these- Mm ... young parts of us, that it took time for that part to erupt and push through. And then, like, it was really working for us. Yeah. It was chewing, and it was cute, and it would, like, line up enough, and you forgot that there was ever pain in the birthing of it to begin with.
Yeah. And then, like, the falling out can really take time.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
And I guess the reason why the analogy was there was because when I was in the dark night of m- the soul, uh, I don't know, maybe like second time around, [00:28:00] Therese, who is a wise, wise woman in our area... I was, like, on the ground. Like, didn't have energy to sit up.
She's like, "You're getting your adult teeth."
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm.
And I was like, "What?"
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah. "
I've been doing..." Like, my- the self-righteous, like, "I've been doing this work for 20 years. You're telling me I'm just getting my adult teeth?" Yeah. Like, all the things.
Ruthie Lindsey: Zeh-pah.
And I was like, really watched, and I was like, oh yeah, look at all the ways that everything that made me who I thought I was were stripped again.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
And look at how I tried to hold on, like the teeth that hold on to that fiber. Mm. And look how many different directions that got, like, that pulled on that tooth until- Yeah ... it was gone. And then it's like, okay, now the adult tooth comes, right? Now it comes. And sometimes it comes before you're ready, and sometimes it's like, will it ever come?
Is this forever?
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
And, and how... God, how hard those gaps [00:29:00] can be, but how much they form us.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
Right? Because when those big teeth do come through, they can chew through things that come in second half of life, right? Like- Mm-hmm ... they can, they can digest things that are bigger. Um, don't remember my other newsletter now that I did this just now.
Ruthie Lindsey: I really care. I love this so much. It's so... It's just true.
Mm. It's- Just the g- the gaps in life that, like, can feel as adults who want to know what is the next thing after we lose something, how they can just be... They get bigger- Mm ... and they're, they're big enough for what's to come through. And I know the second newsletter now.
The second newsletter was, starts off with a picture of my family and I in the boat, and it's, um, It's like I could have been on the same boat in the same situation three years ago and felt nothing.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yes.
And so as I hear you tell your story about the cats and the sunset- [00:30:00]
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm-hmm ...
and I also heard the story of after getting homecoming queen.
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm-hmm.
In the end, it doesn't really matter, right? Like, if it's, like, being on a boat with family, like, from the outside it's like, "Oh, this looks so great."
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
But if you're in a place of... If you're in the gap and all the things have been stripped away, or you have these fallacies inside of what will fill it-
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah
the same exterior could light you up, or it's still just like that scary, like, "Shoot, I feel nothing."
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
Because I've had the times- Mm ... multiple times, but maybe five years ago or three years ago of like going, "Oh my gosh, I finally got a nanny."
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
Right? I thought that was only for other people. I felt shame.
Yeah. And I got all the five nights of being up all night doing all the day stuff, and, like, back going out. Whatever it is. All the things. [00:31:00] Exhaustion. And thinking, "If I get all of these layers of support," and I was doing nervous system work, too. And I learn how to pace, and I then, then eventually... And the night where she, like, made dinner, 'cause it's also like I don't like making dinner.
I don't like folding the laundry. I don't... My life is filled with doing things I don't like doing. Um, it was just like damn. It was such a flat feeling. Mm. And it was scary because my life just looked like one huge... My, my life was one huge privilege.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
And to get to feel the way that I felt these last couple years where it is literally like, "Did you see the way the sun is hitting the spring leaves and the green is glowing?" Or in the fall how you can actually just see so much more once the leaves have fallen, or just we got a composter. I was like, "There...
What? It goes in as [00:32:00] food and the next day it's dirt?" Like- Yeah ... it's like all the little things start to amplify.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yes.
And it's such a different feeling where it doesn't matter if it's a homecoming queen crown or, like, the kittens. If-
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah ...
if you hadn't done the work that you had done and gone through the, the gap, the hole that you had worked through, you wouldn't have noticed the kittens-
Ruthie Lindsey: That's
right
or probably been available for the love that you and Eric have.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah Yes. I, I mean 100%. And it's like I love what you said about like, you know, three years ago having a different experience. Because y- literally a week ago had a experience where we went to the mountains with my brother and his family, and it was such an interesting experience where it's like this version of me met a past life version of me.
Ruthie Lindsey: Because, you [00:33:00] know, we grew up going to these Christian camps, and my brother, he... This is his 30th summer on the mountain as a camp doctor. He grew up going as a couns- a camper, counselor, kitchen boy, head counselor, and then once he got his, um, became a doctor, he's the camp doctor for a week every summer.
Ruthie Lindsey: And his kids went there. All of us went there. All of my nieces and nephews go there. I was a part of a college ministry that m- most of those college ministry people became counselors there. It's called RUF. And so anyway, we were going to be with them while they were dropping off their younger kids at camp, and we just did like a long weekend.
Ruthie Lindsey: And I saw two old roommates. I saw college friends. I saw old counselor friends. I saw... I don't, I didn't remember them, but people that were campers when I was a counselor. And it was like I stepped back into a life that I Walked away from, right? Like, I thought this was the path that I was going. I worked at two [00:34:00] different churches in that denomination that these churches, these camps are in.
Ruthie Lindsey: It, it's a small world. It's a very small world, and everyone... Like, if you're in the PCA, you know my brother and his family. Like, that's the denomination. Like, it's just, it's a very small world. We saw 9 million people that my brother and his wife knew. They knew everyone. I saw my ex-husband's family that I hadn't seen in 12 and a half years.
Ruthie Lindsey: I mean, we followed each other on Instagram, but they're very much a part of that world. It was so sweet. It was so sweet. And, you know, there was something really precious where Richard Rohr talks about order, disorder, reorder.
Hmm.
Ruthie Lindsey: And he talks about how, you know, everyone won't move through all the phases.
Ruthie Lindsey: I, I will say in this life, I believe in past lives. I'm also so down to be wrong about everything. Um, but dying in that car accident just really nailed that home for me. That I'm like, "Oh, there's no hell, and we come back many times." Anyway, um, [00:35:00] I, you know, thought that this was gonna be the path that I was gonna take, and I was gonna have a bunch of kids, and we'd be in the church, and I worked at the churches, and this was...
Ruthie Lindsey: And my world imploded. And what Richard Rohr talks about is, you know, some people might not leave the ordered life in this life, and it's like there's... It's a very dualistic lifestyle. It's black and white. It's us against them. We're the chosen ones. And it can be any organized religion. I'm not just speaking on Christianity.
Ruthie Lindsey: Um, it's like this, "I'm the chosen one," which we love feeling special, especially these little Enneagram fours. We love thinking we're the chosen ones. We're the ones that get to get into heaven. Everyone else is lost. We either need to bring them into us, or they're dangerous out there. So it's very black and white thinking, and there's no real room for mystery.
Ruthie Lindsey: It's a lot of othering. Hmm. And some people will not leave that in this life. And what if their p- journey is perfect? What if there's nothing to fix? That's their journey. It's [00:36:00] beautiful. Some people's lives implode, and it doesn't fit anymore. And thank you, universe, mine imploded. So I moved into disorder, which felt very chaotic, right?
Ruthie Lindsey: But here's what's interesting, is in disorder, it's still very dualistic. Because as I became way more liberal, way more open, I was looking back at them and saying like, "Those closed-minded smut." Hmm. Right? So it was still us against them. Hmm. Like, it was still very dualistic. I'm the right one now. I'm the... I feel more chosen.
Ruthie Lindsey: I'm not saying because I'm chosen to live in heaven forever, but I feel special because I broke out of that clo- quote, unquote, "closed-minded thinking," right? And some people won't ever live, leave that version, right? And I'm not saying they're wrong. Just not, right? What if they're on their very perfect journeys?
Ruthie Lindsey: And he talks about the third stage, which we can't [00:37:00] bypass. Like, again, I'm obsessed with people in the third stage, but, like, they had to go through hell to get there. You can't jump from New York to LA. You've gotta go through middle America. Like, it's just a part of it, you know? And in the third stage, which again, I dance in all of them, right?
Ruthie Lindsey: But in the third reorder, that's where you move into more non-duality, where it's more nuanced, where there's more gray. There's more... That would be more of, like, Christ consciousness, where all of it is, like, I re- see that I'm not better than or anything. Like, I, everything belongs. I'm not different than the people that are sitting in order.
Ruthie Lindsey: I'm no different from them. I am them. I have b- I'm a part of all of it, you know? And in that nuanced both and gray place, it's not the most popular place. It just isn't to dance in reorder. But there's a lot of freedom that gets to happen there. And when you can dance in there... [00:38:00] You know, when I was dead on in disorder, I don't know that I could have gone to where I went a week ago without feeling judged, without projecting a lot of, like- Mm
Ruthie Lindsey: they're judging me, and I'm the one that they need to pray for, and I'm the what. You know, like, we were in a sea of khakis, and Eric has braids to his belly button, and we're both covered in tattoos and living in sin, you know? And I felt so embraced and so loved and had so much fun and had the best time.
Ruthie Lindsey: And I'm seeing this past life version of me where nothing's wrong. It just doesn't fit for me. It just doesn't fit. This is not the life. I wasn't able to have children. I, my world imploded. And, and, like, no one's bad or wrong. It's just not my life anymore. And, uh, kind of jumping back to what you were saying, three years ago you would have experienced it differently.
Ruthie Lindsey: You know, five to 10 years ago I would have experienced that really differently. And it was amazing. I had so much fun. [00:39:00] N- if people thought things about me, that's n- that was everything to do with them. If I projected onto anyone I met, that had everything to do with me. Mm. It was just... I had the best time, and it was great.
Ruthie Lindsey: And it was so precious. And I walked away so in love with my life and what I got to come home to that doesn't look any way, shape, or form like I thought it would, and it's been really beautiful and really brutal. And it's precious, and as is theirs.
Mm. Do you feel a little awe and delight in those scenarios where you could see how you thought you would have felt if it were 10 years ago, and being like, "I'm feeling- Yeah
so much joy now," and I could see why and how there would be versions of me that would not feel this joy. But wow-
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah ...
like getting to really feel. Yeah. Yeah.
Ruthie Lindsey: [00:40:00] Well, I think what I really notice in myself is a younger version of me would have felt judged there.
Mm-hmm.
Ruthie Lindsey: And if that was happening, I don't care.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah. I didn't feel judged. 'Cause like if everything, which it is, is just projections, right? Like me projecting on them when I'm having a conversation like, "Ugh, they're seeing that I don't have a bra on, and they're seeing that I have tattoos, and I- they see that we're not married but we live together, and they're probably all saying, 'Ugh, play Pray For Ruthie.
Ruthie Lindsey: She walked away.'" Like, was any of that happening? I don't know. Also, I don't care. I just enjoyed seeing my friends. I enjoyed seeing their children. I enjoyed seeing a glimpse into their lives of what brings them joy today. And it was just fun. I didn't have to make it more than it was, you know? Any projections had everything to do with me.
There are like three places I wanna go, and I [00:41:00] know that we're kind of getting to time here.
Ruthie Lindsey: Okay.
O- one, you keep saying this... You've said this sentence a few times.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
And I'm like, maybe can we just pause here for one second, just fill it out a little bit. You said dying in a car accident.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah. Yeah, so I was hit on, by an ambulance on my car door, car door going 65.
Ruthie Lindsey: My car door flattened into the passenger seat. I broke a lot of things, but the main... Lost a spleen, broke ribs, lung c- punctured. But I broke C1 and C2, which are the top two vertebrae in your neck, and apparently you had a 5% chance to live, a 1% chance to walk. Um, and I didn't remember any of it. Um, and weirdly enough, which is kind of great, I got real...
Ruthie Lindsey: I had, like, a pretty big spiritual awakening in my 30s and got real open to a lot of things, um, which I've closed the door to some of that now, and it was great. It was a part of it. But I did some, um, hypnosis, which was amazing, and one of it was, [00:42:00] uh, like I did past life regressions, and one of them just took me to the wreck.
Ruthie Lindsey: And I saw my body, 'cause it had all been blank. Like, so like my brain kind of covered it up because I guess it was too much. Um, it... And I was standing outside of the car watching everything. Like, watching them come and, you know, watching the ambulance driver come and try to save me. I watched, um, my friend get out of the car.
Ruthie Lindsey: I watched him scream my name. I watched all of this outside. But for me, you know, I don't know what it is for anyone else, it was never an option to not come back. Like, it was always understood that I... Like, my time here is not done. Um, and I believe that my soul 100% knew what I was about to walk into and how brutal it would be, and it would be a part of it.
Ruthie Lindsey: Um, but yeah, my [00:43:00] soul wasn't done here, which ironically, which I don't know what this says about me, it's really interesting 'cause my earliest memory was not wanting to be here. Like, my earliest memory was homesick on this planet. My earliest memory, like, even looking at my parents, even they w- they did the best they could and, you know, human and all the things and made a million mistakes and loved me so much.
Ruthie Lindsey: And I would look at them and be like, "You can't-" This cannot be my dad. This cannot be my home. This... And I would just stare at the stars. I was such a weird kid, but I didn't talk about a lot of it, 'cause that wasn't... But I just, I have felt homesick on this planet most of my life. Um, and being human has been pretty brutal for me.
Ruthie Lindsey: Like, I learned to leave very young, very early, abort mission. Like, watching how we treat each other and animals and the Earth and, like, has broken my heart as early as I can remember. And I think part of my soul's work, part of my dharma, is learning how to be human and learning [00:44:00] how to love being here.
Ruthie Lindsey: And as weird as this sounds, and again, I'm so down to be wrong about literally everything, but if it helps me love myself, my body, and others more, I don't fucking care if I'm wrong or right. I, I'm just here for it. I think part of my soul's journey is, like, I have a body that lives with debilitating chronic pain and lots of health issues.
Ruthie Lindsey: And I think if I didn't, I think that it would've been easy for me to float outside of being human- Yeah ... my whole round of roofie. And instead, I chose a body that is calling me back in in a massive, big way every second of every day, asking me to meet her, asking me to c- attune to her, asking me to love her.
Ruthie Lindsey: And listen, do I still wanna leave most seconds of most days? Yes, ma'am. And I think [00:45:00] that's, that's part of my dharma and, like, learning how to, like, fall in love with this human dualistic experience, you know, and this body, and the polarities of h- the human experience. And that's why I've been trained in somatics and, and embodiment, because I don't want my...
Ruthie Lindsey: There's a Basset part that doesn't want to have a body, that doesn't want to have this experience, you know? And then there's a bigger T, capital T, truth part that of course I do, or else I wouldn't have signed up for it.
Therese Dorenlen sometimes speaks, she's the one who told me I was getting my adult teeth, and she was recently on Threshold Moments again.
And I've heard her say multiple times that our job in being here is taking care of our birth, and that for her it's less about ascension and more about descending. And she's like, "I hope by the time I die that I have descended all the way to my toes." [00:46:00]
Ruthie Lindsey: Oh. Yes.
Right? Like this, like- I... Yes ... can I actually land?
Ruthie Lindsey: Yes. I don't know that I've ever fully been... Like, my mom, her, my birth experience was, her pregnancy, everything was just brutal. And, um She was not doing okay at all. And it wasn't like there was a before and after for me of when my soul fully embodied my body, you know? Mm-hmm. 'Cause I, it wasn't safe in the womb, right?
Ruthie Lindsey: Like, she was losing it, and it was traumatic, and she was really suffering. And so I think exactly what you just said, and I can't remember your teacher's name, but I think that is exactly what I've been called to do. Like, how much more can I be here? How much more present can I be? Like, that's partly why I think I'm so obsessed with animals and plants, 'cause I'm like, it, it f- it, not [00:47:00] forces, but it invites me.
Ruthie Lindsey: I'm like, "Oh, there's another leaf." Right? Like, I lose my shit over a new leaf blooming, 'cause I'm like, it means life. It means presence. It means there's growth and abundance right ... Oh, there's another leaf that I didn't even know right there. Um, and that is Yeah. Like, how much more can I be here? You know, in my 30s I did a lot of plant medicine.
Ruthie Lindsey: A lot. Mm-hmm. And, you know, I love that version of me, but I also realize it was another version of me just trying to leave. Like, I loved it. I kept chasing it, 'cause it was like it brought so much awareness, and I'm grateful. Lis- it was all a part of it. And when I got really depressed when it was done, to come back into a aching body that hurt, and I'm like, "Oh, this is just another way for you to leave the human experience."
Ruthie Lindsey: And it... And, and that's... I don't know that [00:48:00] that's what we're being asked to do right now. Mm-hmm. And that's when I really detoured into somatics. Mm-hmm. Um, because I can leave at the millisecond. Yeah.
My brain always has two directions at once.
Ruthie Lindsey: I love your brain. I love both Ann.
I was thinking about when I started somatics, and one of our first exercises was to say out loud the things that were touching our skin.
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm-hmm.
And it could just be like, you know, "I can feel my leg pressing against [00:49:00] the seat. I can feel my hair touching my ear." But, and the practice was that you had two minutes and your partner had two minutes.
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm-hmm.
Then you have two minute, and you do three rounds, and each round you speak more and more slowly. Oh. So each round as I spoke more- Yeah ... slowly, I could start to sense such, almost imperceptible things. I don't wanna say that I left my body, but essentially I suddenly was like- Yeah ... two minutes in, and I was like, felt this like, oh, I'm one with everything, and now I've...
And it was an interesting moment to see like how much I love feeling energy- Mm-hmm ... and how much I love, uh, any time I can get into that sense. And I was like, oh, but this practice was actually to stay here with what is present now. Yeah. [00:50:00] And I managed to take it to like at by the end of the third set of two minutes where I was just like, oh, one with everything.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
But again and again, like that pra- I've even find in somatics it's like, wow, like I could jump timelines- Yeah ... and places, and then the constant practice of like, yes, and.
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm-hmm.
Right? And present time, present place. Yeah. And so I just really always am in awe of the body of how I feel like we can jump timelines and meet different parts, and then come back to like my feet are on the ground.
Yeah. I'm 43 years old. Yeah. 44 years old. Um, so with our time left-
Ruthie Lindsey: Yes ...
tell me about Eric. Oh,
Ruthie Lindsey: my goodness.
Gosh. I will first, and I wanna like say to the people, when you hear like her say, "I'm obsessed," if you don't follow Ruthie on Instagram, Ruthie, if you're [00:51:00] okay- ... like go ahead, do yourself a favor and do that.
And I think some of the first videos I saw were like the way that you greet him every time he comes home.
Ruthie Lindsey: Oh, yeah.
And then you recently posted one of him just like dancing. Mm. Just like this really unabashed- ... like creative movement, and I responded, I was like, it's, it's one thing that he's so free with himself, and so like this expression of love- But that you are like this counterpart of, like, the way you laugh and, um, and, like, love in your laughter, that I feel like it brings even more- Oh, geez
of that out of him. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like just this so complementary and-
Ruthie Lindsey: Thank you ...
and you've said some things about, like, earlier versions of yourself may not have been available for this. So I'm wondering if you can tell us about this epic love. [00:52:00]
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah. Well, he did not fit any of my boxes of what I thought I was supposed to get, right?
Ruthie Lindsey: In my condition, like, well-known, lots of money, blah, blah. I had so many story. Needed to look a certain way, and act a certain way, and have this amount of fri- I just had so many ideas, and thank God for somatics, because my body told me yes way before my brain did about this man. And he did not look... He looked a little crazy.
Ruthie Lindsey: He had hair down to his belly button. He had this big grizzly bear, um, beard. Like, he lost 80 pounds when he got sober. He still wore... He didn't throw anything out. He still wore clothes that were way too big for him. I'm like, "What is he hiding? He looks crazy." Like, I just could not... Y- But my body was, just kept saying yes, and thank you, God, for that.
Ruthie Lindsey: And I I'm telling you, this man, it's so human. We are so human. Nothing about our relationship is not human, so please do not hear [00:53:00] me pretend like it's all perfect in any way, shape, or form, 'cause it's not. But what is there is, like, I was telling him recently, I was like, "You... I just know and feel..." He just assumes the best in me.
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm. And vice versa. Like, I assume, like even if we're disagreeing, I know he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt him. You know? There's just, there's an assumption of goodness that we both have in our humanity, right? Like, we don't expect each other to not be that.
Ruthie Lindsey: But I think what I love the most outside of like, is he the most generous person I know? Is he so kind? He treats me, like, unbelievably. But I think for me, the way that we can laugh with each other is the medicine that I... It is the most medicinal gift of my life, and [00:54:00] it's goofy, and it's silly. And like the other night he was dancing.
Ruthie Lindsey: We were about to watch a movie or something to the couch, and I was like, "Did you do any of this before you had me to like, that's like so entertained by you?" 'Cause he does so much 'cause he knows that I'm gonna... He does so much to entertain me, which then entertains him, you know, 'cause we're just feeding off each other.
Ruthie Lindsey: Like, I egg him on, and then he just performs. And his... He's a Leo, which makes no sense to me, 'cause he's such an introvert around other people, but he's a Leo in this house. Like, on a massive scale, he is a Leo in this house. He entertains. He puts on a show. Like, it is the funniest... I think he's the funniest human I've ever met in my freaking life.
Ruthie Lindsey: And he's so... Like, you know, I was with, um, those folks at the ch- Christian camp, and my old roommate, she said that when we got, when she got in the car that her boys were like, "We really love Uncle E." And, and I just giggled so much, 'cause he doesn't look anything like [00:55:00] their friend group. He doesn't look like their family.
Ruthie Lindsey: You know? And but he is just the most... He's looking out for what other people might need. He's, like, asks very intentional questions. He's never trying to be the center of attention when in group things. But he's so attuned to humans, and I don't know. He does not have a flashy job. He's not on the internet, which I'm obsessed with.
Ruthie Lindsey: He's just... He's so humble. He comes from very humble background. I'm obsessed with his family. They're super into, like, church stuff, and they're the best. They're wonderful. Um, but yeah. He is the gift of older age, I guess. Like, you know, if both of us had to go through the hell we went through to be able to get to here- Mm-hmm
Ruthie Lindsey: and to have a companion to walk through the insanity and the scary and the overwhelm and the just insane parts of the human experience and find so much levity in the midst of it, wow. Yeah. [00:56:00] I'm the luckiest person I know.
Mm. I've, um, there's a standup comedian, Marcello, I can't think of his last name.
He's from SNL.
Ruthie Lindsey: Okay.
And he's doing this skit, and he is talking about when... So first of all, Eric is also a beautiful man, but he's talking about this skit where there's this woman. You're like, "Whoa, how did he get her?" And someone's like, "Oh, he must have a little, lot of money." And he goes, "No, that man has follow-up questions."
And so- Amen.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yes. Yes.
And he would, he like, 'cause like, he just like just makes a joke. He's like, he might even say, "Can you repeat that?" And like- And then what you were ta- just talking about, like he, he says like the most thoughtful questions. Mm-hmm. And so I just like that little blip came up in my mind. Um, I could talk to you forever.
Great. I have so many. I'm like, oh, I wanna know what it was like to, like, when religion no longer was a thing for [00:57:00] you. Like, there are so many places where I'm like- Yeah ... "Can we stop at this bus stop longer?" But alas, I'm so grateful for you. I'm so grateful for- Thank you ... the wisdom you share. And as you said, I know it's, it didn't come, it didn't come through just existing.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah. Yeah.
And, oh, shoot. Okay, one, one, do you have-
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah ... three
minutes? Okay. Uh-huh.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
So I think about thresholds, and I think about the cycle of awareness and, uh, maybe even as you said, similar to the cycle of awareness, the disorientation.
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm-hmm.
It's orientat- or ordered, disordered reor- reor- orientations.
Disordered.
Ruthie Lindsey: Right.
There's this idea of, like, the other side. Yeah. And I'm curious because clearly there are so many different thresholds that you've been through where you can really see before and afters and you can feel them. But I'm curious with chronic pain-
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah ...
when there's not, like, a promise of another side-
Ruthie Lindsey: [00:58:00] Yeah
how you would relate that to a threshold. And I just think that's really helpful because I think- Yeah ... so often I'm like, "Oh, everybody listen, so you can hear the whole before and after." But if you could say a little bit about the things that are chronic and don't have a promised-
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah ...
change. Yeah.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
Ruthie Lindsey: Um, yeah. So in my sweet little body, you know, I live with where I have fusions and where the wire pierced my brain, I have, um, had a brain injury. Um, so I have really severe nerve damage. I have chronic, every single day, intense tension headaches and neck pain and shoulder pain and hip pain and knee pain, and that was before I broke my foot and started losing my vision.
Ruthie Lindsey: And, um, where I think the threshold lives for me- With chronic pain, [00:59:00] as I think it has become the greatest invitation of my life, of meeting my body, of can I meet myself in a different way? Hmm. Instead of making... For the longest time, you know, you heard me talk about my disordered eating growing up. I believed, you know, um, I hated my body.
Ruthie Lindsey: Desperately hated my body, and it needed to be different, it needed to be smaller. I was too tall. I wasn't skinny enough. I had blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, then I s- chronic pain moved into my life, which, you know, I also fully believe in emotional stuff that hadn't been dealt with also lives in the body and all those things.
Ruthie Lindsey: But it invited me into looking at things that felt really painful that I didn't wanna feel. I didn't know how to feel emotions. It became the greatest portal of my life. And at the time, I moved from I hate my body to believing my body despises me, and I am trapped in the hell of this body that I can't get out of [01:00:00] until I die.
Ruthie Lindsey: I believed that for a very, very long time. And can I dance in that arena at times? 100%. It's not like I've arrived anywhere in this life. But where that threshold has lived for me in the last decade of my life is, what if- The pain isn't the obstacle, it's the portal. What if it's inviting me in to meet her in a new way, to attune?
Ruthie Lindsey: Maybe there wasn't real attunement or attachment in my life as a child. What if that is my opportunity to attune and attach to my body, to meet her, to tell her, "I believe you, how painful this is, and I'm not making you wrong. You get to be as loud as you need to be, and I'm gonna be right here with you.
Ruthie Lindsey: And I'm so sorry that this hurts so bad. Yeah, it hurts really bad, and I'm not gonna leave you in this minute. I might next minute, [01:01:00] but I'm gonna come back." Mm-hmm. "And I'm gonna meet you again and again and again, and I'm not gonna make you bad, and I'm not gonna make you wrong, and I'm not gonna make you broken, and I'm gonna speak as kindly as I can about you."
Ruthie Lindsey: And I think that new relationship is the threshold. Like, she, I believe my body is a person, and she is the greatest invitation of my life. I believe the level of awareness and consciousness that I have in this moment sitting across from you is because of the pain in my body. Again, I hold two things at once.
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm. Would I love for that to snap, be gone, and not be a thing that I live with my life? Yeah. And this is my threshold. This is my invitation. This is my portal into consciousness, into presence, into awareness. Um, and I think that's holy. [01:02:00] It doesn't change it. It doesn't, quote-unquote, "fix it", but it's a very different relationship.
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm-hmm. It, it changes things massively in my psyche. Mm-hmm. And that's sacred. That is not small, right? Like, our conditioning is, it's n- it's not, if it's not fixed, then it's still broken and something's wrong, which that's that dualistic black-and-white thinking, and I, I don't believe that's true. I, I just, I think it's a both/and.
Ruthie Lindsey: Is it brutally painful? Yeah, it is. Has it also invited me into being the truest version of me thus far in my 46 years, and a person I actually really like? I think it's pretty fucking awesome. That's also true. Like, I could not have less in common with the 20-something-year-old version of me. Like, I don't think we'd be friends.
Ruthie Lindsey: I love her, and I have very little in common with her, and I believe my body is [01:03:00] the portal that got me to a truer, breaking off a lot of scales, a lot of, l- you know, limiting beliefs, a lot of ideas of who I needed to be to be worthy in this world. Mm-hmm. I just don't believe that anymore. I'm worthy 'cause I exist, as are you, as is every other being on this planet.
Thank you, my friend.
Ruthie Lindsey: You're welcome. Thank you. I love you. I love you so much. Thanks for having me.
Thanks for being here. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. If people wanted to find you, where can I, can, where can we direct them?
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah. Um- Or
invite them.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yes. I would say my favorite place to be on the internet is Substack, and you can just look up my name, Ruthie Lindsey, L-I-N-D-S-E-Y.
Ruthie Lindsey: And I'm on Instagram, which I'm, you know, in this constant both/and with. I
don't
Ruthie Lindsey: know what you're talking about. Um, @... Yeah, no. @ruthielindsey, and I also use this app called Repurpose that, [01:04:00] like, any time I post on there it also goes to YouTube, it also goes to TikTok, it also goes to Facebook. I don't go on those apps, but anything I...
Ruthie Lindsey: You can also find Ruthie Lindsey on those two, and it'll be what I posted on Instagram. Not Substack. That's separate, but other social media platforms.
Well, thank you, thank you, thank you. And-
Ruthie Lindsey: Oh, and one other thing real fast. And if anyone has any curiosities about the work I do, I also offer free explore calls, um, because these containers are really magical.
And so you offer six-month containers?
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm-hmm. I do. I love
that.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah. And they're pretty intensive, but really profound things happen within that.
How often do people meet with you?
Ruthie Lindsey: I meet them, in six months, 18 times. Um, and- Wow ... but they get m- One of the special things about it is they have Monday through Fi- Friday Voxer support from me, so they get coaching from me Monday through Friday the [01:05:00] whole time, which I highly recommend people do.
Ruthie Lindsey: And the ones that get the most out of it use that, 'cause life happens in those in between moments. And then within that container, I have retreats just for clients. I offer a one-on-one intensive at my home, um, that some pretty magical things happen in that too, but that's- Mm ... all within that six-month container.
We worked with a man who said, like, "When you're feeling activated, please reach out to me," so he gives his cellphone to all of his clients.
Ruthie Lindsey: Mm-hmm. And it's
often people don't reach out because so many of the people he works with are, have the pattern of, "I'll figure this out," like the hyperindividualism.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yeah.
And he's wanting people to have the practice of co-regulation.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yes.
Of just like, "Oh, there's something," and you can talk to somebody and somebody can speak back. Like, not even to fix you, just to say, like, "I hear what you're saying. This is-" Yeah ... "what you're experiencing." Yep. And it is such a pattern interrupt for so many of us.
Ruthie Lindsey: Yes. Mm. [01:06:00] I have a client that just finished the six-month container, and her commitment was Monday through Friday to reach out every single day at least once, and the growth that I wa- I mean, it's unbelievable what I saw. Wow. It... 'Cause there's something, you know, the rip happens in relationships, so also the repair gets to happen in relationship.
Ruthie Lindsey: And like you said, that hyperindividualism, which I have that part in me too, is I have to figure it out. And I thought I'd done so much work before I'd gotten in a partnership, and then I was like, "That was cute, but I thought I'd worked that out." Yeah. Because it brought up, activated all the things. But when you allow yourself to be seen in the most wounded, painful, brutal, messy, you know, when I'm, like, showing my ass of all the patterns, and someone sees it and doesn't run away, but leans in and loves you and witnesses you, and says, "I'm here, and I love that part of you," and we get to meet it and nurture it if you wanna grieve it.
Ruthie Lindsey: There is something so profound that happens in [01:07:00] that, and in those spaces. Um, it's changed my life, and I've watched it change many lives. It's really, it's a sacred place, for sure.
Mm. Thank you, Ruthie.
Ruthie Lindsey: You're welcome. Thank you, sister.