145 - Reclaiming Yourself in Love
What happens when you stop trying to make love happen—and start becoming more fully yourself?
In this episode of Threshold Moments, Sarah sits down with relationship expert Christine Hassler for a deeply personal conversation about love, surrender, control, and the protective strategies that can quietly keep us from the connection we desire.
Christine shares her own journey from heartbreak, divorce, and years of frustrating dating experiences to meeting her husband, Stefanos, and building the kind of side-by-side partnership she had been longing for.
Together, Sarah and Christine explore what it actually means to “let go”—not as a passive act, but as a willingness to release hypervigilance, loosen our attachment to outcomes, and stop trying to create safety through doing.
They also explore the Queen archetype: the version of ourselves who can widen the lens, stay connected to her values and vision, and trust herself even when relationships, life, or circumstances feel uncertain.
This conversation goes far beyond dating. It’s about reclamation—coming home to who you are, staying with yourself when your truth creates change, and allowing relationships to become a vehicle for growth rather than another place to lose yourself.
Episode Transcript:
Sarah Tacy: [00:00:00] Hello, and welcome to Threshold Moments. Today we have with us Christine Hassler. She is somebody that I met at a retreat with Kate Northrup and Deb Kearns, and I got some time to really sink in with her. And for me, it's so helpful to get the essence of somebody, to get their vibe, to get their depth.
Sarah Tacy: And for me, something that I took away when I was with you, Christine, was How true and devotional you are to your process, to your being, and also what a pro you are. I don't know if you remember, I'm, I'm sure you do remember, that in the middle of the retreat you were called on to go and w- run a retreat in front of, I think, like hundreds of men.
Sarah Tacy: And
Christine Hassler: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Sarah Tacy: And with, like, no preparation. You're like, "I got this". [00:01:00] And you just went and just d- did your thing, and made this massive impact on all of these men. And I was like, "This woman is a pro". And so it was just really fun to see the way you're just like- Oh, thank you ... put on your clothes and you're like, "All right.
Sarah Tacy: I'm out. I'm gonna go do this thing." And-
Christine Hassler: Yeah, and the Uber came and whisked me away, and then we came back. I, I was like, "When did I stand up and lead a retreat?" Until you rem- until you re- re- reminded me of that. I didn't even remember that that ha- I mean, I... Now I remember it, but I-
Sarah Tacy: Yeah. I mean, it wasn't on your bingo card.
Sarah Tacy: No. It wasn't supposed to be part of your week. No. So- No ... you just kinda like threw on an outfit and went and did your thing. Yeah. Uh, and today, today I'm having you on because you and I were speaking about relationships and magnetizing the people that you really want to have in your life. And- I was hoping that you could share your story with my people, and then I have questions to ask you about my story and where I'm at now.
Sarah Tacy: Yeah. [00:02:00] And I know this is a leading area of your expertise.
Christine Hassler: Yeah.
Sarah Tacy: So I- would you be willing to go in and start with- Oh,
Christine Hassler: yeah.
Sarah Tacy: I mean, I've had- What made you start to focus on becoming a magnet for the type of love and relationship that you wanted?
Christine Hassler: Many, many threshold moments before that. Um, so I've had many of those moments.
Christine Hassler: In my world, I might call them expectation hangovers.
Sarah Tacy: Eh.
Christine Hassler: Um, of, you know, life just not turning out like you planned, or life turning out like you planned but it- you don't feel like you thought you would, or life just throws you an unexpected curveball. And, you know, there's- those are initiations. Each one is an initiation.
Christine Hassler: If we choose to accept it. If we don't, we just ha- it just keeps coming back around and around and around again. And I was in my, I was divorced in my early 30s. Threshold moment there. Yeah. Well, before that, I was engaged. I was engaged in my 20s, got dumped b- six months before the wedding. Got engaged again and married [00:03:00] before I was 30, at 29, 'cause I used to live in timelines back then, of like, "By this age, I have to do this.
Christine Hassler: By this age, I have to do that."
Sarah Tacy: Same.
Christine Hassler: Yeah. And, you know, um, then got divorced, then regretted the divorce. Mm. And then was just single in my 30s when everybody was doing the thing you're supposed to do in your 30s. You're supposed to get married and have babies and all these things, and I was the divorced single person building my career.
Christine Hassler: And I just like was having the worst luck in dating. Um, either men I liked didn't like me back, or had this series of going after emotionally unavailable men, and it was really humbling, 'cause I'd done so much work on myself. I mean, I saw my first shrink when I was 11, my first coach when I was 22. I had like master's degrees in psychology, and like, I, I just knew my shit, and I
Christine Hassler: Sorry, I don't know if I can say that word. But I just knew my stuff. And I was stumped, because I thought I was, not from an ego perspective, 'cause I definitely have my insecurities, [00:04:00] but like I thought I was a decent catch, and I thought I was doing all the right things. I mean, I listened to dating coaches.
Christine Hassler: I dropped into my femininity. I like did all the things you're supposed to do- Yeah ... because I'm one of those people that's good at following directions. Like, unless I don't like emotionally attach to the why I'm doing this, I'm really good at like doing what I need to do. And it just was not working. And 40 was coming around, and, or maybe I was 40 by then, and I was just like, "Okay.
Christine Hassler: I, I do want a relationship." And that's one of the things I had to question. Actually, this whole thing about getting married, having children, do I really want that? Or is it just what I've been told I should want? And do I want it because I see other people having it, and so then I think I should have it?
Christine Hassler: So first I had to get really honest with, do I actually want this? And for me, [00:05:00] I was iffy about kids But what I wanted was I wanted the challenge of a relationship. And honestly, some days in my marriage now I'm like, "Why? Why did I ask for this?" Like, I did not realize how good I had it. Mm-hmm. But no, in all seriousness, I, I felt like I had grown as much as I could single.
Christine Hassler: Oh. Like, I really, I really did. Like, I felt like there wasn't a lot I was challenged with, there wasn't a lot of triggers. I-- not that I was walking on water or anything, but I just really... I wanted, I wanted that growth and I wanted that challenge, and I knew a relationship was gonna get me there. And so I had to, I chose to go, "Okay, I am doing everything by the book, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do, and this is not working, so clearly my hands are too tightly on the wheel here."
Christine Hassler: Mm. Like, clearly I have not surrendered to this. [00:06:00] And when I questioned that, I realized, Sarah, that I had surrendering and settling paired up. I thought if I surrendered and I didn't try to control and to some degree and be super intentional about exactly who I wanted to call in, I'd have to settle in some aspect of my life.
Christine Hassler: And then I really had to question my relationship with God and s- the universe and spirituality in general. I'm like, "Wow, do I believe that if I turn this over to a higher power, I'm not gonna get what I want?" And so I had to come face to face with that whole relationship- Boy ... and that whole belief system.
Christine Hassler: And so one thing that's always been, like, my inner compass is my relationship with the divine, and in that realization, I realized it was off. Like, I thought I was divinely guided, but I really wasn't, because I was afraid to [00:07:00] be divinely guided because I thought I'd have to settle. Either settle for a man that wasn't everything I wanted or settle for no relationship or whatever.
Christine Hassler: So it was in that like, "Oh my gosh, I really have to let go" that things really changed for me, because I truly handed it over. I handed it over, and I decided that I was going to stop following anyone else's advice and put together my own, my own basically program and process f-for what-- in my language back then, I called it for being a queen.
Christine Hassler: I like to use the archetypical reference of queen and king, not like picturing actual humans who've been queen and kings, but that archetypical reference. Because the relationship I was after Um, I teach about five different kinds of relationships, and we can circle back to that. But the relationship I was after is what I call a side-by-side partnership.
Christine Hassler: Hmm. 'Cause relationships I had had [00:08:00] were the other four I describe, but basically the theme of those is, like, two people looking at each other. Are you gonna be what I want? Are you gonna complete me? Are you gonna heal my mother issues? Are you gonna be my dad? Like, there's this, like, looking towards each other for something, and I wanted the kind of relationship where it's two people side by side looking out in the same direction towards their vision and values.
Christine Hassler: And that's why I like the king and queen because I picture two people in equal thrones, right? Looking out, going like, "What is our vision? What is our values? What is our legacy? How do we wanna direct?" And that's what I was calling in. So I was like, "Okay, well then I'm s- focusing so much on trying to get him, how do I be her?"
Sarah Tacy: Hmm.
Christine Hassler: How do I really be her? And I put myself through this process. I got off apps I stopped doing everything that I was doing, and I learned how to basically magnetize love toward me. And I wasn't attached to it being a man. But [00:09:00] I was clear with my intention. And it's sort of like when I go out to a restaurant and I give my order to the server, I don't chase them back into the kitchen and like, "Did you get that?
Christine Hassler: Did you get I want my salmon well done? Did you get that I want the sauce on the side? Like, are you sure you have it?" And then I don't stand over the cook being like, "Oh, I think you need to flip it now." I trust that I give my order and it's going to come back, and I wasn't doing that. I wasn't doing that.
Christine Hassler: And I started to approach it with high intention and involvement, but low attachment.
Sarah Tacy: Mm-hmm.
Christine Hassler: And I created this whole program for myself where I learned how to... And this was probably the best thing I did. I learned how to have my desire without the suffering.
Sarah Tacy: Mm.
Christine Hassler: So I learned how to have my longing, 'cause that keeps the energetic signal out there, right?
Christine Hassler: Of like, actually I want this. And the w- the... And by want this, it's like, this is how I wanna feel. I wasn't attached to it coming in the form of a relationship, but I was [00:10:00] clear that that was my preference.
Sarah Tacy: Mm-hmm.
Christine Hassler: Right? And because I kind of, in my single life, it was sort of I was all in, I was on the apps, I was, like, doing my feminine practices.
Christine Hassler: I was, like, doing the thing, saying yes to the events, like, asking people if they knew people. I was really invested. You know, some people say, "Go on 100 dates," and I was doing all that. Or I'd swing to, "I'm happy in my life and I don't need anybody." But neither one of those was authentic. Mm-hmm. Like, I didn't wanna be trying that hard, and I actually did want somebody.
Christine Hassler: And so when I learned how to do the longing, like to have that, that, that frequency out there or that desire out there without the suffering, that's when things really started to change for me. Anyway, I decided this around New Year's 2017. In April 2018, so we're talking four months later I am at my friend's house.
Christine Hassler: Her husband is working on his computer. He asked [00:11:00] me to look at a website 'cause he wanted some business my, uh, perspective. And I saw this man on the screen. I'm like, "Who's that? I think I know him." He's like, "I don't think you know him. His name is Stefanos. He lives in Perth, Australia." And I'm like, "Huh, he looks familiar."
Christine Hassler: And then my friend, the wife, was like, "Actually, he's pretty great." I'm like, "He lives in Australia." And they said, "Well, he's gonna be in Europe the same year you, time you are." Anyway, long story cut shorter, she introduced us, but I was super clear. I said, "I don't want a pen pal. When you introduce me to this man, ask him if he's ready for like a, a partner.
Christine Hassler: Like, I'm not... Like, I, I don't... I'm not interested in men who are still trying to figure out what they want. If he's 100% clear that's where he is in his life, I'm interested." She did. He was. Over WhatsApp, we had a three-month relationship. We met in Greece in July. We were married by October.
Sarah Tacy: Wow.
Christine Hassler: Yeah, and that was eight years ago, and now we have a [00:12:00] four-year-old daughter.
Christine Hassler: Wow. So, you know, I had my daughter at 44, naturally, easily got pregnant, had her at home, met him. And so b- And, and in doing all that, and this is like the larger piece for me that applies to anybody, whether you're married, single, doesn't matter I had to not just become the version of myself that I wanted to be, but more importantly, I had to let go of all the protective strategies and all of the beliefs that I didn't even know were keeping me from what I actually desired.
Christine Hassler: And when I work with women about this, whether it's women calling in their person, or it's women trying to decide if the person they're with is their person, or if it's women already in a relationship and are actually trying to be that queen so their partner can actually step into his king, [00:13:00] there's one thing that's, that all of these women have in common, and it's usually that we don't trust that if we let go of a lot of the things we think are keeping us safe, that it'll work out, and so we hang on, and we hang on tightly.
Sarah Tacy: So I have two follow-up questions here. You talked about handing it over, and then I heard you talking about becoming the queen.
Christine Hassler: Mm-hmm.
Sarah Tacy: And without fully understanding it, sitting over here, I'm like, w- are you putting effort into a new thing, or are you really handing it over, and what does handing it over look like?
Sarah Tacy: And so can you help me differentiate those two things of what exactly did you let go of? Like, where, when it's, uh, you know the phrase Jesus take the wheel- Mm-hmm ... like, what, what was the part where you're like, m- "I'm really letting go of this part?" Is it the [00:14:00] placing the order and then not following up?
Sarah Tacy: Like, what i- Yeah ... what is the difference between letting go and then, and becoming a queen at the same time?
Christine Hassler: Attachment. Which parts of that? Attachment.
Sarah Tacy: Okay.
Christine Hassler: Attachment to the outcome.
Sarah Tacy: Yeah.
Christine Hassler: So there are so many people, if we, if we talk about calling in a relationship, there are so many people that I'm going to let go so that I can get him.
Christine Hassler: Mm-hmm. I'm gonna let go so that I can get pregnant. I'm gonna let go so I make money. It's like, that, that's not letting go. Yeah. You're, you're doing it because you're attached to hoping that it works. You've tried everything else and now you're gonna try the surrender thing and see if it can happen. Okay.
Christine Hassler: So in so many ways, this was me coming face to face with my relationship with control and hypervigilance. Which go hand in hand. And that fear if, if I'm not actively w- like making it happen, it's not going to happen.
Sarah Tacy: So the protective [00:15:00] strategies that you let go of was letting go of making it happen. It was letting go of going on, on the apps, on the 100 dates.
Sarah Tacy: Mm-hmm. It was letting go of the all or nothing. If I'm not going on 100 dates- Mm-hmm ... then I'm doing nothing at all.
Christine Hassler: Mm-hmm.
Sarah Tacy: It was just I'm going to live my life as this version of me that I'm really proud of, that I'm in love with, that I want to be.
Christine Hassler: Mm-hmm.
Sarah Tacy: And I stay open to the possibility of someone being a match for this.
Christine Hassler: Yeah, and at the same time feeling any grief or fear, feeling the natural feelings that come up around that. What if it doesn't happen? What if it happens and I get divorced again?
Sarah Tacy: Oh, yeah.
Christine Hassler: What if I meet someone and I get my heart broken?
Sarah Tacy: Mm.
Christine Hassler: And I also had to be okay with the fact that life is risky. Love is especially risky.
Christine Hassler: Um, and so that was part of demantling those protective strategies, is so much of those protective strategies are to keep us from getting hurt.
Sarah Tacy: Mm-hmm.
Christine Hassler: And I had to go, "Well, I'm willing to get hurt. I'm willing to get hurt, I'm willing to get [00:16:00] betrayed, I'm willing to get my heart broken, I'm willing to lose- Wow
Christine Hassler: I'm willing to grieve. Like, I'm willing. I've like, I s- I'm willing."
Sarah Tacy: Wow.
Sarah Tacy: That sounds like a whole different type of letting go than what I was picturing.
Christine Hassler: It is a whole different- ... type of letting go. It wasn't like, "I'm just gonna surrender and, like, go sit on the ocean and do my yoga poses." It was, it was a deconstruction of all the ways I tried to keep myself safe And, you know, for me, what I found in that is that I tried to create safety through doing.
Christine Hassler: And what I learned in this process... And again, the, the avenue that got me there was calling in a relationship, and I love helping women do this because it's sort of like the Trojan horse- Mm-hmm ... for what you're really doing inside [00:17:00] there. What I was really doing was recalibrating my nervous system- Mm ... so that I could be a match for the kind of man I wanted.
Christine Hassler: So one of the things that I was told all the time in my- by dating coaches, w- I can remember one guy saying this to me, he's a well-known dating coach. We were at an event, like it was a black tie event, and he told me this, and I, like, went in the bathroom and started to cry. He's like, "You're too much in your masculine.
Christine Hassler: You're too alpha, and you're gonna just need a beta man." And I actually wanted a masculine man. I didn't want, like, a feminine man. And I really was triggered by that because I was like, "Wait, but I don't feel masculine. Just because I have a successful career and I'm on top of things, why does that make me masculine?"
Christine Hassler: And over the years I've been helping women do this, what I've seen is that many women appear masculine, but they're actually just in a trauma response. They're actually just in hypervigilance. They've actually just had to, for so long [00:18:00] in their lives, adapt and perform and be efficient and figure things out.
Christine Hassler: It's actually us not being in our masculine. It's us being in a protective strategy- Right ... of hypervigilance, of control, of all of those things. And I think that's why I cried when he said it to me, 'cause it did not resonate. And so in this process that I put myself through and now that I teach, I had to take all those things I were told- was told and was like, what are they really s- like, what's really going on here?
Christine Hassler: Like, what's really going on here? Like, why is that polarity thing a problem for me? Why am I put in the friend zone by so many guys? Like, what, what's going on with that? And it's because this like I've got it all together- Yeah ... protective strategy was there, so there wasn't, like, a place for him to come in.
Christine Hassler: Mm-hmm. Because, like, I had it. Like, I had it all together. So I... it was like these competing intentions of, like, I've got it, but, like, I want you to get me. Yeah. [00:19:00] And those two things together, you know, didn't work. Um, so it was a lot of deman- dismantling, a lot of deconstruction. It wasn't let me just sit on the beach and wait for him to be delivered.
Sarah Tacy: And so now that you're eight years in to this relationship- I know, it's
Christine Hassler: crazy.
Sarah Tacy: Uh-
Sarah Tacy: Where do you find... When you find times that you are falling into old protective strategies, or you find times where there's friction between you, where is your queen archetype in those moments?
Christine Hassler: Depends on the moment. Depends on the moment. But I'll, I'll use a current example. So as you know, 'cause we were talking before we started recording, I'm getting some mold remediation done in my house, and I- my daughter and I went to Austin last week, um, [00:20:00] and that my husband and the property manager were like, "We'll handle it."
Christine Hassler: And I could feel the part of me going, "Oh, but I better be involved. Like I'm really good at project management." I could feel that part come in. And it was supposed to be done on Monday. The right questions weren't asked. Basically, it's not done. And also, I was not told I wouldn't have access to my bathroom, my closet, or my kitchen.
Christine Hassler: Things were not pulled out. Uh, anyway, it's, it's a very, it's very disruptive. And I definitely got annoyed by that, and I definitely went to, "This is why I can't count on anybody, because, like, if I'm not involved and if I'm not managing it, it's not gonna be done right, and da-da-da-da-da-da-da." And that part of me, like, really acted up as like, "Ooh, here's evidence that we must remain hypervigilant.
Christine Hassler: Here's evidence that we must keep our hands on the wheel at all times. Here's evidence." And then the queen stepped in and was like, "Whoa." If you had been manage, project [00:21:00] managing this when you were in Austin, you wouldn't have been so present with your mom. You wouldn't have been in the pool for four hours with your nephews and your daughter.
Christine Hassler: You wouldn't have had that impromptu dinner with your sister because you would've been tethered to your phone trying to coordinate things, trying to talk to people. So wasn't that three days of being really present with the people you love and your nervous system regulating worth a little inconvenience?
Christine Hassler: Mm. And I was like, "Oh, yeah." So when I'm in that queen archetype, I can see the big picture.
Sarah Tacy: Yeah.
Christine Hassler: I can see what... I can, I'm, I'm, I'm... It's like I'm elevated back to my values.
Sarah Tacy: Mm-hmm.
Christine Hassler: Right? And that sense of emergency that my nervous system would thrive on, that adrenaline and that stress that my nervous system is like, "Ooh, cortisol, let's go."
Sarah Tacy: Yeah.
Christine Hassler: I- it's like, no. Like, let's, let's just [00:22:00] not do that. Let's focus on what matters most, and to me, that's the queen archetype. It's like, what is the value? What matters most in this circumstance? And that was a really, a big thing that came up when I met my husband as well, 'cause remember my whole thing about like, "Oh, I don't wanna settle"?
Christine Hassler: So I meet him, we're in Greece. Like, the chemistry is there, and I'm like, "Okay, so let's talk about money."
Sarah Tacy: I love it. Let's get right in.
Christine Hassler: And he's like, "Yeah, I've been nervous to talk to you about this," 'cause at this point I'm a seven-figure entrepreneur, okay? I'm at that height of my career. He's like, "Yeah, you know, this is an area that I have not mastered."
Christine Hassler: And I'm like, "So, like, what is, what exactly does that mean?" And that meant basically broke with debt, and I was like, "This is what I was terrified of. You know, I knew God was gonna bring me somebody and I'd have [00:23:00] to settle." And I had that moment, and this was the, this is where, like, our, our faith and our spirituality is really...
Christine Hassler: I don't like to say tested, 'cause I don't s- I don't orient to a test, but where, like, we really get to see how much work we've done in those moments, and we really get to see how embodied we are. And so- My mind was like, "Oh, my gosh, I have to break up with him. This is not gonna work." Or like, "If we get married, we're gonna need a massive prenup."
Christine Hassler: Like, that's where my mind went. Or like, "Oh, my God," like, "I cannot marry potential," blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so it's like, okay, I'm in Europe. We, we have a month together. I'm just gonna see how this feels. I'm not gonna go to is this my husband or not, 'cause that's another thing women do, both in dating and just i- in motherhood and business or everything.
Christine Hassler: We draw these grand conclusions, and we get so far ahead of ourselves, and it takes us out of being in the moment. So that's another thing [00:24:00] about the queen archetype that I really love to teach. It's like you're in the moment. Yes, you have your vision there, but you're, you're in the moment because that's where you're gonna get the most clarity.
Christine Hassler: If you try to jump ahead and you try to future trip too much and you go into worst case scenario and panic programming, you're not gonna be able to feel your body. And so I really was like, "Okay, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna feel." And my mind would act up, but every time I was with him, Sarah, my nervous system felt so safe.
Sarah Tacy: Mm.
Christine Hassler: I felt so safe, and I also saw his work ethic. And I saw like this is not a dreamer. He just hasn't been, like, in the right place at the right time. He's had a lot of trauma. Like, it didn't, it didn't feel projecty.
Sarah Tacy: Mm-hmm.
Christine Hassler: It sort of felt like, oh, I think I just need to, like, love him and pour some of my, like, beautiful [00:25:00] feminine energy into him and kind of be a muse.
Christine Hassler: I, I've never done that before. I've never been a muse. Been a coach. I've been a caretaker. I've been codependent, but what would it be like to just, like, like, switch somebody on-
Sarah Tacy: Mm ...
Christine Hassler: you know? Just to- Just by
Sarah Tacy: being you.
Christine Hassler: Just by being me.
Sarah Tacy: Yeah. Just
Christine Hassler: by being me. And so that's what I did. I did not coach him. I put a couple, like, meet this person.
Christine Hassler: Um, I'll pay for this mastermind. Like, I did a couple things like that that always felt really, like, in my body, they felt like a yes to me. And I mean, within six months he was out of debt. Within a year he was making money. Within three years he matched me income wise. And also, like, got to the point in his career when we had our daughter, I could take a significant amount of time off.
Christine Hassler: Like, even for the last four years, I have taken a lot of time off because of him. So what I thought was going to be settling [00:26:00] ended up being a massive embodiment process of, like, it broke a paradigm inside of me that went something like, "In order to make others okay, I have to do something."
Sarah Tacy: Mm-hmm.
Christine Hassler: And what I got to is if I am just me, other people figure it out.
Sarah Tacy: Yes.
Christine Hassler: I love that. And that's what, you know, what I thought was settling, and 'cause it was one of my non-negotiables, 'cause everyone's gotta have their non-negotiables, right? Must make as much money or more than me, and that was like not even close. But again, I listen to my body more than my mind
Sarah Tacy: Can you say this part again?
Sarah Tacy: In order to make others okay, I have to...
Christine Hassler: What, I had this thing. I w- I mean, very, like, empathic, very kinda codependent in my life, and did the kinda like I'm okay if you're okay thing-
Sarah Tacy: Yeah ...
Christine Hassler: [00:27:00] for many years. And because I've always been so high-functioning, I can kinda g- And this is what makes me a great coach.
Christine Hassler: I can go into people's life and be like, "Okay, so this, this, this, this, this," like, and as a coach, that's part of our job. Obviously not everybody has all the inner resour- inner resources they need to get where they need to go. But as a coach, it's like, okay, I have the flashlight. Like, h- here's, here's what needs to happen.
Christine Hassler: But as a partner, I did not wanna do that. And, and, you know, in a family dynamic, in a friendship dynamic, like, that's not, that's not the agreement. And, you know, it was very easy for me to slip back into coach role because that's easier than intimacy.
Sarah Tacy: Mm-hmm.
Christine Hassler: And I was like, how do I actually do intimacy with a man, not go into a role that I'm super comfortable with, and really just, like, stay out of the doing and really be in the being?
Christine Hassler: And so I had to break that pattern of I'm gonna make myself okay 'cause I'm gonna make you [00:28:00] better. I'm gonna teach you how to make money so that I feel better about my choice. That was the temptation, which I could've done.
Sarah Tacy: Mm-hmm.
Christine Hassler: But I was like, no, that's not, that's not the dynamic I want. I'm just gonna be me and, and trust that you're gonna figure it out.
Christine Hassler: And he did. Wow. And there are many times, I can remember this one time, he's like, "Yeah, I'm gonna hire this marketing person." I don't know how much it was, like seven grand, 10 grand, something like that. And Sarah, I just knew, I just knew it was gonna be like throwing money in a fire. And I was like, "Okay." And then three months later, "I think that was a mistake."
Christine Hassler: And I'm like, "Yeah. Okay." You know? There were so many times I had to just bite through my tongue. Um, but it was such good practice for me to not swoop in and try to rescue, help, whatever, someone else so that I felt better.
Sarah Tacy: Mm-hmm.
Christine Hassler: I had to be with my discomfort.
Sarah Tacy: I could even imagine for me, if I were to say that sentence, it would be, like, to [00:29:00] rescue someone else so that they feel better and then I feel better because then they're happier, because then they're getting- Yeah
Sarah Tacy: better results, because they're like, "Oh my God, you saved me. I would've-" Yeah ... "totally done this thing." Yeah. It's just, like, just being enough as yourself. So I could say that sometimes I feel like my value in my family is being, like, the central nervous system- Mm-hmm ... for the family. Which when it is- Yeah
Sarah Tacy: out of me loving me and me doing the work I'm here to do, so great. And if I over-attach it to my value and my worth, and then needing to regulate others in order to be worthy, that's where it starts getting messy. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yep.
Christine Hassler: Yep, exactly. And this is where I, like, love to, to, to help women and to teach women, to share with women, like, where our actual power comes from.
Christine Hassler: Because [00:30:00] both from our own family of origin and just from the collective, w- we buy into a lot of lies, and we buy into a lot of myths about love. And in the workshop I'm teaching, I go through all the myths we buy into about love, and how to call in love, and about relationships in general, because it, it just keeps us in this cycle of having kind of the same expectation hangover happen over, and over, and over again.
Christine Hassler: And as I'm sure you've experienced in your marriage, relationship is a vehicle. Relationship, parenthood, but especially that relationship, it is a vehicle for growth. Like, if you ... And if you want that kind of relationship, um, you've got to be willing and ready to stop looking for, to the other person to do something or make you feel a certain way.[00:31:00]
Sarah Tacy: I know we have 10 minutes left 'cause I'm like, woo. I feel like I could go in so many directions, but I feel like they would take a while. Um, I'm thinking about my marriage and
Sarah Tacy: The time that Steve decided to make a big difference in his life was not because I said, "You need to go do some spiritual work." Mm-hmm. It was when I realized that I was so depleted, I was so exhausted, and he has such a strong personality, and he is so sure of so many things, and he has higher intensity than I do and higher volume than I do.
Sarah Tacy: And I just really realized that I was having a... I wasn't going to be able to find my truth in that moment with such close proximity-
Christine Hassler: Yeah ...
Sarah Tacy: to him. And, [00:32:00] and I know it's his o- own trigger, of course, that I might need space or... But it was really a claim. It was not a claim of, "I need space from you," as a threat, like change or else.
Sarah Tacy: It was really, really taking the time of, "How am I ever going to find my way back to myself?"
Christine Hassler: Mm.
Sarah Tacy: And just by stating what I needed, it did something in him, and I didn't even know this was it, that, you know, a couple months later he was listening to a podcast. He heard this man Moncel speaking, and it was about- Mm-hmm
Sarah Tacy: sacred hunting and really this, like, ancestral path work. And for him, it was, like, his in into doing some men's work, and then they invited him to the facilitator training. And if I used to say to him, because you and I may have some similarities of doing, like- Mm-hmm ... 20 years of conscious communication type work.
Sarah Tacy: Mm-hmm. If I would ever say, like, "Can you use an [00:33:00] I statement? Can you X, Y, and Z?" He'd say, like, "You should have married a yogi," or, like- ... you, like... You know, it's this thing of like, "No, that's not who I wanted to marry," but-
Christine Hassler: Yeah ...
Sarah Tacy: it, it never worked well for me to say- Yeah ... "Can you instead be like this or speak like this?"
Sarah Tacy: And he came- Yeah ... home from this week away, which was very much, um... He doesn't love doing, like, a full week of slow-paced anything with men, with looking in eyes, with deep conversation. Like, it was, like, all so uncomfortable. And he came back, and he was using phrases like, "The story I tell myself is..." Wow. And sometimes he would catch me in loops or in, like, different stories, and I'm like, "What is hap..."
Sarah Tacy: Like, it kind of felt like a role reversal. I'm like, "What is happening?" But him deciding to step up and make some pretty big changes in his life- could never have come from me [00:34:00] saying, "You need to do this for me." Right. It came as a side effect of me realizing what I needed to do for myself, and then him making a choice from there.
Sarah Tacy: Because my choice for myself was not dependent on whether that meant that we were gonna last forever or not last forever. It was that the priority was that I came home to myself, that I could find myself again, that I knew my voice, that I knew my desire- Yeah ... that I knew who I was, and that became top priority.
Sarah Tacy: Yeah. And then he did it for himself.
Christine Hassler: Which is amazing. Yeah. And I love that you're talking about this, because every woman at some point needs to do that. And it can be the, the wanting a relationship and not having it that is your catalyst, right? That is your threshold moment, your initiation- Yeah ... into doing this work, and that's one of the, the areas I love to help women is in that, that moment, that, that threshold between being [00:35:00] single, being divorced, and having, like, that side-by-side partnership that really is more that conscious relationship, that generational pattern-breaking relationship.
Sarah Tacy: Mm-hmm.
Christine Hassler: Which I think people think a conscious relationship is just, like, you just eye gaze and- ... have amazing sex and, like, you know, do, I don't know, meditations together. But a conscious relationship is like, whoa. Like, all our stuff's gonna come up, and instead of just continuing to play out the patterns, we're actually gonna change them.
Christine Hassler: And that, that takes, that takes work. And even Steph and I, who both had done a ton of work when we met, um, we were quickly humbled because we were like- Yes ... "Oh. Oh." Like, here we are, two humans bumping up against each other trying to do this intimacy thing. So whether you're a woman, like, in a marriage that's like, "Oh, wow, I actually need a new marriage.
Christine Hassler: Not necessarily a new man-
Sarah Tacy: Yeah ...
Christine Hassler: but I need a new marriage. Um, I need to call forward a [00:36:00] different kinda man, but I'm not gonna do that by trying to work on him. I'm gonna do that by becoming the most authentic version of me and reclaiming who I actually am." Or if you're a woman who is really calling in your partner, like, this is the area that I am, like, I- really what I love to support women in is reclamation.
Christine Hassler: Like, true reclamation of who they actually are.
Sarah Tacy: I'm just, I'm like, you say it, and instead of having any verbal cue back, my body just goes, "Ah."
Christine Hassler: Yeah.
Sarah Tacy: I find, I know that our, our work is different and has overlaps. The end of the program that I work with, I, I think is where our work overlaps the most, which is when we start to do the work of reclamation, and I say this is liberation [00:37:00] work.
Christine Hassler: Mm-hmm,
Sarah Tacy: mm-hmm. Right? And as we do that, we do come face to face with when I find out more of who I am, when I speak to more of who I am, and that makes somebody uncomfortable. Mm-hmm. And that makes a relationship feel more unstable but more real. Yeah. How do we stay with ourselves in that instability- Yeah
Sarah Tacy: that we are instigating with our truth?
Christine Hassler: Yep, exactly.
Sarah Tacy: And it's such a huge threshold, but it is also where we get so much life energy from.
Christine Hassler: Yeah. Yeah. And it's, it's different than what, a lot of what we're told we should be doing.
Sarah Tacy: Yeah. Well, that's, I would say for me, that's the scary part, when you're taking steps that you haven't seen taken before.
Sarah Tacy: Yep. And it, like, feels a little bit like an experiment.
Christine Hassler: Yep.
Sarah Tacy: Yeah.
Christine Hassler: Yep. But that's where I love the word reclamation, because in so many ways, like, your body knows, and you [00:38:00] have, and you're remembering, like, who you actually are. You're remembering the power of the feminine. You're remembering that you're, like basic anatomy, you're a receiver, and you're remembering that you're a queen, like that archetype of, of what it is to, to be so embodied and to be led by your vision and your values, not your activity, not your patterns, not your trauma.
Christine Hassler: You know, we scoop all these things up, and we love them, and they're part of what gets us to where we are, but they don't have to be the thing that, that drives us and that attracts things to us either.
Sarah Tacy: There's something that I love that you said earlier, and you just repeated it now, this idea of being led by your vision and your values.
Christine Hassler: Mm-hmm.
Sarah Tacy: Because when you went back to the story of your queen being able to zoom out and say, "I had these three days with my daughter, with my mother, this surprise dinner with my sister", I would have used the phrase [00:39:00] of widening the lens. I would have used the phrase of orienting towards health so that we can still say, like, "Oh, this is happening, and I'm going to widen my lens to include health so that I can hold them both."
Sarah Tacy: There is something about orienting towards vision and value- That feels so much more luscious in my system. Like I can feel it d- down my spine and in my feet where I'm like, "Oh." Yeah. Like it's less clinical and it's, it's more of a yes for me. And so- Yeah ... I'm gonna start using that even in my launch, uh, of my own program 'cause I do have this inquiry of how I can use this work of yours if I'm not currently trying to, um, magnetize a man-
Sarah Tacy: or redo my marriage at this exact point. Right. And I also feel like this [00:40:00] could come into how I lead, how I go through a launch, how I, uh, just how I be in the world.
Christine Hassler: Yeah.
Sarah Tacy: It feels like it has a ripple effect into all areas of life, and I'm, I'm interested in that.
Christine Hassler: Well, can I tell you about a three-day workshop I have coming up- Yeah, please tell me about
Sarah Tacy: the three-day workshop
Christine Hassler: that people might like too? Yes. Um, so we talked about magnetizing, we talked about love. On October 13th, 14th, and 15th, so three days in a row, everything's recorded if you can't make it live, um, my husband and I, 'cause I love teaching this work with my husband, uh, are teaching a workshop called Love Magnet, and we're gonna talk about a lot of the things we've talked about here.
Christine Hassler: This is not your traditional dating advice type of things. We're not gonna tell you to change anything about yourself. We're not gonna talk about your online profile. We're not gonna talk about apps. We're not gonna talk about vision boards, any of those things. We're gonna, one, bust a lot of myths and normalize a lot of what is experiencing, you're [00:41:00] experiencing.
Christine Hassler: We're gonna connect you back to your own power. We're gonna help you really look at the relationship path you've been on so far, and how to, um, learn from that, like scoop up all those lessons, but start attracting from a different place. And then we have some incredible embodiment and somatic work in store for you as well.
Christine Hassler: So if you are a woman who, especially if you're a woman, um, single, recently divorced, thinking about a divorce, like whatever it may be, if you really want to step into that queen archetype, or if you're super clear you want to call in a relationship or you want your relationship to shift, but especially if you're, like, calling in a relationship, I, I invite you to come join us.
Christine Hassler: October 13th, 14th, 15th. And it's really cool to do this with my husband, because I saw so many dating coaches out there, but one of the things that I was so intentional about when I wanted a relationship is I wanted the imprint of couples.
Christine Hassler: Like, I wanted that, that transmission of healthy couples together, not a woman telling me to do this or a man telling me to do this, but what, [00:42:00] like what is the couplehood? So, so even if you're just coming for the transmission of, like, a conscious healthy couple doing our work, we're not perfect, we won't ever say that, um, come join us, because this is gonna be a- an epic event.
Christine Hassler: We'll... Where you will walk away, one, with relief. Yeah. Like, you won't be thinking that there's a problem with you or with your life at all. You'll have some really incredible tools, and you'll have a, a, a new perspective on how you're seeing things, and, you know- As we've probably heard before, the spir- spiritual definition of a miracle is a change in perception.
Christine Hassler: So they're gonna help you change your perception of, of who you are, where you are in your life, and what calling and love looks like. Amazing. So everybody listening, if you wanna find the link, you can see it in the show notes. I am going to be there, 'cause I know in my heart of hearts that there's something here for me, too.
Sarah Tacy: And anybody listening, I feel like in mid-life especially, there is such a threshold of refinding ourselves and then calling in a [00:43:00] relationship or even, like, updating the relationship- Mm-hmm ... we're in to match who it is we are now.
Christine Hassler: Yep. Absolutely.
Sarah Tacy: All right. Absolutely. I'm excited to see you all there, and thank you so much, Christine, for sharing your wisdom- Oh,
Christine Hassler: my gosh
Christine Hassler: and your story. It's- My pleasure. I love talking about love.
Sarah Tacy: Bye.